The House of Nash

Happy Valentine's Day

2012-02-14T20:58:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day is about LURVE, and we all want to be lurved, right? Right.

Welp, in the spirit of LURVE, here are some of the things I love about MY Valentines:

The way Paul calls me Sweetie and never ends a phone conversation without telling me he loves me.
Paul's green eyes which aren't totally green but a little more brackish, like swamp water. (Perhaps not the most romantic description, I know, but f'rills, he has great eyes.)
The way Clara throws her head back, giggling and wanting us to nibble on her neck while we are making "nom-nom-nom" monster sounds.
The fact that Paul has never once accused me of being bossy, even though I totally am. For some reason, being told I am bossy has always hurt my feelings.
Clara's full-body joy when I show up at the end of the day to pick her up from daycare, complete with a gasp of delight and crawl-sprint into my arms.
Paul & Clara's special bond with each other. Clara adores her daddy and Paul adores her right back. It is magical.
The way Paul plans for everything - trips, house remodeling, finances, the next adoption process, etc.
Clara's current obsession with being held by mom pretty much all the time - when I am cooking, when I am giving her a bath, when I am trying to get ready in the morning.
That Paul enjoys the same books that I enjoy and we can discuss them and quote them to each other.
The fact that Paul wears his hair a little bit longer than he used to just because he knows I like it that way.
That Clara is so smart that she makes up her own little games to play with us, like hide-in-the-pillows-on-mom-&dad's-bed-then-peek-out-and-laugh-at-them.
Paul's steadiness, patience, and love when I am having a hard time with this working-mom gig.
And both of their cheeks because I just love to kiss them SO MUCH!!

Happy Valentine's Day to both of my Valentines.

Untitled from Amy Nash on Vimeo.

"Are you going to tell her?"

2012-02-12T14:02:00.000-08:00

Today one of the beehives (the 12-13 year old girls that I work with in my church calling) brought a friend (who is not a mormon) with her to church. I happened to be one of the speakers in sacrament meeting and to start out my talk (about keeping the Sabbath day holy - I joked over the pulpit that I found it highly suspect that the bishopric assigned me this topic the week after the Super Bowl) I introduced Paul, Clara and myself to the congregation since I know that there are a number of new families that I haven't met yet. I mentioned in this introduction that Paul and I are advocates for adoption (because we are going through the process again after all and I like to keep the idea that adoption is a normal thing that happens a lot more than people are aware of) and that we are so grateful for the eternal families and adoption, having just been sealed to Clara in the temple in December.

After the three hour block of church meetings, three of my beehives and the visiting friend found me in the hallway where I was trying to calm a wild and sleep-deprived almost-nine-month-old Clara. I smiled at them and figured they were just going to pass me by since my beehives sort of seem to ignore me most times.

But the visitor, who surprisingly must have been paying attention to my talk at the beginning of church, piped up and boldly asked "Are you going to tell her?" nodding to Clara. "You know, that she was adopted?" To her credit, the girl didn't stage-whisper the last part, thank goodness.

The other beehives stopped cold in their tracks, impressed with the boldness of the question and obviously equally intrigued as to how I would answer.

I mulled over what to say for a second, honestly a little taken aback at this question in that setting and from this particular person. Of course Clara is going to know that she was adopted! The idea of keeping that from her is frankly beyond absurd to me. Adoption is not the taboo that it might have been in the past. And we are at least going to do whatever we can to eliminate any taboo surrounding adoption by talking openly to pretty much whoever will listen about it.

"Yes," I told the girls, "I will tell her that she was adopted."

"Like when she is older?" they voiced in an almost unified chorus.

"Well, no," I explained. "She will know from the very beginning. She will always know. Adoption is very special and it is not something to be ashamed of. Besides, is that something you would want to find out when you were 15 years old?" They shook their heads solemnly at my wise response.

Then I explained to them about open adoption and how Clara knows her birthmom and how we are excited for Kayli to come visit and what a special place Clara's birthmom will always have in Clara's, and our, lives.

"Well, she's sooOoOoOo cute!" they all cooed as Clara gave them sweet, sleepy grins, her eyes almost crossing from fatigue (this 9:00 a.m. schedule is killing me since that is when Clarabelle almost always goes down for a nap and she just can't sleep at church no matter how comfortable I try to make her).

I love adoption and I love that I was able to demystify it for these girls, even if just a little bit.

A few thoughts before bedtime

2012-02-07T22:13:00.000-08:00

I painted my fingernails tonight after Clara went to sleep then worked on my computer while Paul washed dishes;

My assistant at work (who is way too good to me) bought me the book "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies";

I have two sets of adoption friends who recently had adoptions fall through and my heart has been breaking for them;

I have one set of adoption friends who recently had a placement happen and I rejoice for them;

Last night when Paul asked me for a glass of water I filled it with really hot water instead of cold, giggling at what a great prank I was going to pull - he figured it out before taking a swig though;

Clara apparently dislikes spaghetti - at least the Gerber 3rd foods kind - and I am worried she will wake up hungry tonight since she didn't eat very much for dinner because even when I switched to banana custard (which she loves) she seemed to have the spaghetti taste in her mouth and kept refusing;

I really like seeing the balance of our savings account going up and the balance of our student loans going down;

When I got home with Clara tonight, it was nearing dusk and the sky was clotted with gray clouds so we went for a walk and I taught her about rain, wind, clouds, lightning, and thunder, complete with sound effects and Clara-girl loved it;

For dinner last night I cooked a casserole that I made and stuck in the freezer more than two months ago and while it wasn't the best thing ever, it also wasn't a complete failure as a meal;

Paul and I rented a movie called "Contagion" this weekend about an epidemic which freaked me out, so I went out and stocked up on baby food and formula for Clara on Monday night, just in case;

Sometimes Paul and I talk about how at some point in our life we are going to need a car with more space and although I don't like the idea, Paul might be able to persuade me into a mini-van if it means that we get to have a big(ger) family;

We think, but are not entirely sure, that Clara has been trying to say "mama" recently - it certainly sounds a lot like it and it is always directed at me when she wants me to pick her up and hold her;

I haven't had a haircut in six months and I am dying to do something about that but just can't commit to an appointment, much less find a new salon out here since I still don't have someone I like;

That is all, and good night.

Miss February

2012-02-05T22:39:00.000-08:00

The weather has been so lovely lately that we spent the weekend in short sleeves and capris around here. I originally bought this dress for Clara before she was even born thinking that it could be her first easter dress. But it is so much more appropriate for Valentine's Day and my mom bought a different easter dress for Clara that she showed me on Skype this past week, so I decided to break out her pink and red tulip dress for church today and then take a few "Miss February" photos. Lately, photographing Clara is almost impossible because she does not stop moving and she never wants to look at the camera.

She took a tumble at daycare early this week and ended up with a bruise on her little right cheek that is just now starting to fade.

In the mornings, I like to take Clara over to the blinds and we open them to look out at the yard. She has become even more of a "mama's girl" than before and has taken to being extremely cuddly with me. I love how in the mornings she just wants to be held and will lay her little head on my shoulder and coo in my ear.

Little Miss Clara's hair has gotten so long that I was actually able to braid it last week. I had to follow her around on my knees to do it, but I got it done. It didn't last long though.

A couple of Saturday's ago, Paul and I wanted to go hike to the Stanford dish. But the weather was so perfect that when we got there we were turned off by the hordes of people we could see at the start of the trail. So instead, we decided to explore Stanford campus. I had only ever been on the campus once before when I was a summer associate and I spent a day there running all over the place with a partner from my law firm while we participated in a scavenger hunt to benefit a pro bono association for Santa Clara County legal aid or something like that.

I don't know if I have mentioned this on here before or not, but Clara is kind of obsessed with hanging upside down. She loves it and will happily be carried around this way.

Maybe I am just in the spirit of Valentine's Day or something, but I noticed hearts carved all over the columns around campus.

I adore mosaics. There is a non-denominational church on campus that is covered in a mosaic mural with over 10,000 different colors of tiles (we overheard a guide stating this little factoid while we were feeding Clara lunch in front of the church).

After our morning at Stanford, we spent the rest of the day playing in the yard while Paul was repairing a sprinkler pipe. The palm tree behind Clara is the one in our backyard. When we first moved in I thought it was ugly because it is one of those tall skinny ones, but now I really love it. I enjoy listening to the wind blow through the palm fronds and I just feel glad to know we have a palm tree in our yard because it reminds me that we live in California and I love our state like crazy. I always have, ever since I moved to southern California just after third grade.

There is something so simple and right about throwing a quilt down and playing outside in balmy late January weather when we can already go around barefoot.

Clara gets the giggles

2012-01-29T21:51:00.000-08:00

Lately Paul and I have had great success in getting Clara into uncontrollable fits of hysterical laughter. It is probably just a development phase that she is going through, but we like to think it is because we are such awesome and hilarious parents. Sometimes the giggles come on when her diaper is getting changed and she gets away from us with a bare bum and we chase her around the room trying to tackle her before she pees on the carpet. (She has only ever peed once while I was changing her until this past week and suddenly it has happened almost once a day - is that normal?)

Last night the fits of laughter came on by me singing the theme song from the original "Batman" TV show while staging a mock fight by myself complete with "Zock!" and "Pow!" sound-effects and round-house kicks, jabs and uppercuts against an invisible opponent. Seriously, I got a great workout in while kickboxing in front of Clara and Paul for five minutes while Clara threw her head back and howled with delight at the hilarity of mom acting ridiculous while Dad was trying to rock her to sleep.

She doesn't laugh half as hard in this video as she did the other night with the Batman action, but she thought that Girard the Giraffe and her dad were enormously entertaining. Plus, she had already been laughing pretty hard for a few minutes while I was doing dishes and Paul was playing with her, so I only got the tail end when her fits were dying down.

Untitled from Amy Nash on Vimeo.

Astonishment at the Supermarket

2012-01-29T21:22:00.000-08:00

This weekend I was doing the traditional it's-Saturday-night-and-we-need-milk/bread/eggs/vegetables/meat/etc.-for-Sunday run while Paul was at home with a napping Clara and I came across this pizza & cookie dough combo in the freezer aisle. I confess I was flabbergasted. Who buys this kind of stuff?! And who are the geniuses who think up this kind of product that is everything wrong with America? (Note: I love my country, but seriously, has our laziness come to this?!)

I texted Paul and Jessica this photo while I was still at the supermarket so that they could enjoy the moment of astonished indignance that I had just experienced.

"Yikes that is a dangerous combo...I want it!!" Jessica replied within minutes.

"Awesome!! Get it!" Paul texted back.

I am so disappointed in the both of them. Shameful.

Park Day and New Clothes

2012-01-22T20:50:00.000-08:00

The forecast for the weekend said that it would rain the whole time. But when there was a break in the clouds on Saturday, we decided to take Clara over to the Los Gatos Creek Trail and go for a nice walk. The day turned out to be beautiful and Clara loved stopping at the dog park to see the dogs (we always get a smile from her when we say "dog? woof! woof!"), the fly-fishing practice ponds, and then the geese. We even saw a swan and I helped Clara sneak up on it before it decided to swim away.

We had brought along an orange to share, but Clara decided to eat Paul's half.

I made a little video of our outing.

I had some Gymboree bucks that I used to buy this cute little outfit for Clara on a great discount. I also picked up some larger sizes for next fall/winter that were on clearance too. I love getting a good deal on cute new clothes. Paul told me that if I make him pull out the tripod after church every Sunday when our outfits are coordinated so that we can do a photo shoot, he is going to stop matching us. What a funny guy.

Paul thinks that Clara's corkscrew curl barettes are pretty awesome and told me that I should get these for her in all sorts of different color combinations.

Clara Jane at 8 months old

2012-01-20T22:10:00.000-08:00

At eight months old, the two biggest happenings in Clara's life right now involve standing and teething. Paul noticed Clara's tooth coming in on Saturday, Jan. 14th (for the record) while I was at work. Clarabelle gets angry when we try sticking our fingers in her mouth to look at it (let alone take a photo of it) but it is a darling little white nub on the bottom front left side of her mouth that should break through her gums any day now. So far she seems to be handling it well - no fever or fussiness over it. The only thing that seems different is she has been a little more clingy than normal and lately has taken to laying her head down on my shoulder so I can stroke her hair. She woke up at 5:30 a.m. the other day, still sleepy but unable to sleep, I think because her tooth was bothering her, and started laughing and calling out from her crib. We tried just bringing her into bed with us to see if she would fall asleep again but she just wanted to climb all over Paul to prove she is capable of that feat, so I took her back to her room and rocked her for half an hour. She laid her head against my chest and patted my shoulder with her tiny hand, sighing contentedly, while I twisted tendrils of her hair between my fingers for half an hour until I finally put her back in her crib, soothed, at 6:00 a.m. and she fell asleep for one more hour.

Not letting me see her tooth.

All Clara wants to do anymore is stand up - at the couch, at her musical table, on the bed between mom and dad, in the bathtub (I can't get her to stop doing this so I am constantly seating her back on her bum in the water while I try to get her clean these days), by the sliding glass door, behind mom using fistfuls of my jammies to keep her balance while I am getting ready in the morning, behind dad using fistfuls of his jeans for balance while he is washing bottles, etc. It is kind of awesome and kind of scary. She falls sometimes and has bonked her head pretty hard a couple of times, which is so sad but bound to happen. Paul's theory is that if he claps when she falls, she will think it is a good thing and not cry. So far, the theory has held pretty true and she just rolls over, beams at us, then stands up again. She is also transitioning between the objects she uses for standing - from the sliding glass door to the table or the table to the couch, etc.

No words yet, so far, although Clara does repeat "da-da-da-da-da-da" and so Paul might always claim that she said "dada" first. But I don't think that she grasps it as a word yet. She talks to us a lot though and she talks to herself in her carseat or crib sometimes.

Clara cannot lay still for a diaper change anymore. She rolls away and then crawls as fast and she can to escape. And if I try to lock her into position with my knees or one-hand, she fiercely arches her back in defiance.

She still takes two 1 1/2 hour naps each day, sometimes with a third shorter nap for good measure, and she consistently goes to bed between 7:30 and 8:00 and sleeps until 6:30 the next morning. We cover her with a little blanket at night and she giggles when I tuck it in around her sides.

Clara eats three solid meals a day and drinks 5 six ounce bottles each day.

Clara can actually do the clapping and "throw it in the air" portions of patty-cake now without our help, although she won't do it for an audience yet. So I am now going to start working on some baby sign language with her - probably "bottle" or "milk", "all done", and "bath" - just the basics.

Zombies and such

2012-01-20T21:37:00.000-08:00

To come clean, I kind of sort of think there is an impending zombie apocalypse coming. Okay, not really. Zombies are fictional. But possibly ...?

Anyhoo, I have seen a few zombie movies here and there when nobody was around to laugh at me and last year I totally got into the way horrible series "The Walking Dead" on AMC. We don't watch it any more because 1. It was pretty bad, 2. We got rid of all our extra cable channels, 3. Paul doesn't think zombies are as interesting as I do, and 4. I couldn't watch the show at night because it freaked me out too much. But I just started a new audiobook, not knowing what it was about, and it turns out it is about zombies - the "unconsecrated" as the book calls them. My skin crawled as I realized what kind of book I had just started on my way to work and I may or may not imagine zombies lurking in the trees off the freeway waiting for a traffic jam so they can mob the unsuspecting commuters. And I definitely find myself thinking how I can best protect Clara in case a zombie invasion overwhelms us. When you are ~~a parent~~ me, you think about that possibility no matter how insipid and unreal it seems. I admit to having stockpiled enough baby formula and baby food to get us through a while, not because the prophet said to or because an earthquake could happen, but because you never know when some mutant flu could turn your neighbors into flesh-eating brainless monsters. So there.

Incidentally, Paul thinks I am nuts, but we will just have to wait and see about that one, won't we...

I know I haven't had a whole lot to say on here lately, but I have just been too exhausted to blog at night and that is pretty much the only time I have these days. The past two nights my mom has called me to Skype and show me the cute outfits she has picked up for Clara at Gymboree and every time I see myself in the corner of the computer screen I have looked like haggard Death itself. Work has been brutal (I spent almost eight hours in the office last Saturday while Paul got to stay home and play with Clara), but things look like they might settle down here for a little bit. I keep a little sheet of paper on my desk with a calendar I made because sometimes it helps me to check days off as they pass. I put a big red star on Clara's birthday (in case anyone wonders about the importance of the red star) and I keep the calendar next to my bulletin board, which I have covered with photos of Clara, Paul, and me.

Paul has been my hero and has been pretty much picking up all my slack with laundry and dishes and didn't even complain when I made him eat stuffed shells for dinner the other night (which I know he hates but it was one of those frozen Bertolli's dinners and it sounded so yummy to me). He stayed up really late with me on Thursday night because I was too tired to get ready for bed and just wanted to veg out in front of the TV catching up on The Office.

We are watching "The Bachelor" again this season, even though I previously said that I would refuse to watch it again since it really is awful television. But it does give me new ideas for how to do my hair and encourages me to be braver about accessorizing. Today I tried out the low side-bun thing that one of the girls was sporting at the rose ceremony on Monday - she wore it better but I still liked how it turned out - and I wore a scarf to work that looked cute with the earrings my mom gave me for Christmas.

My resolutions about exercise have pretty much gone out the window, but I am still doing good on scripture study and I have been making much better choices about the foods I eat. I have been able to majorly curbing my mindless snacking at work and dessert has been a once or maybe twice a week thing so far this year. While that may not sound like the best progress, it is huge compared to our pretty much daily dessert habit last year, and I already am feeilng physically better for it.

Other than that, there is just not a whole lot happening around these parts and I don't have any new stories or deep thoughts to share.

In which I fret over possibly accidentally ingesting marijuana...

2012-01-16T16:28:00.000-08:00

I know I've mentioned before on the blog that Paul and I have a favorite ice cream place in Santa Cruz called Marianne's. The texture and flavor of their ice creams are amazing and they have lots of options to choose from. I pretty much always try a couple of random samples like "Lavender" or "Heath Bar" or "Lychee" and then ask for a kid's double on a cake cone with a scoop of raspberry swirl and fudge brownie. I've noticed before that the fudge brownie is officially named "Alice B. Toklas Fudge Brownie (with walnuts)" but I have always ignored the Ms. Toklas part and waived her off as Marianne's granny or biddy aunt or something.

Except today I looked her up on my iPhone while we were driving home and it turns out that according to Wikipedia, Alice Babette Toklas was the San Francisco-born lover of the novelist Gertrude Stein and is famous in her own right for publishing a cookbook with a recipe for "hashish fudge" and her name was later attributed to a number of "cannabis concoctions" including marijuana brownies.

Awesome.

I debated whether to continue eating my Alice B. Toklas Fudge Brownie ice cream and conferred with Paul whether Marianne's could actually get away with selling a chocolate ice cream with marijuana-laced brownie chunks. I"ve had it multiple times before and have never noticed any strange effects. On the one hand, there is no warning on the menu and kids order that flavor so surely it can't have drugs in it, right? On the other hand, Marianne's is in Santa Cruz after all.

In the end, I continued eating the ice cream and cone, but I felt guilty about it. Next time I may have to switch to Rocky Road or Butter Pecan. Or stick to my New Year's Resolution about laying off the sweets.

Resolutions Post

2012-01-09T06:39:00.000-08:00

Most years, I would already have thought out my New Year's Resolutions and typed them up in a blog post and written them on a piece of paper to stick on the fridge--probaby by December 14th--and here we are, more than a week into the new year, and I am just getting around to setting these goals. Really, I have already been thinking through my resolutions for a while now but it took seeing my sister's blog post about her resolutions that gave me the boost I needed to get these in writing.

In 2010, I had one big goal--to get us ready to buy a house--that was somehow accomplished even though it seemed impossible when Paul's job fell through and house prices in the Bay Area seemed completely out of our reach.

In 2011, our big goal was to prepare ourselves to become parents--again, it seemed almost impossible that it would happen that year but lo and behold, Clara came into our lives.

Since these big goals have been miraculously achieved, I think that my major goal for 2012 should be about ~~looking like a supermodel~~ improving my health. Who knows, maybe another miracle will occur and I will end up weighing in the mid 130's (where I was when Paul and I got married and again when we got home from our bar trip around the world in 2009) by the end of the year? Maybe I will run another marathon? Besides, I had a physical exam on Friday for our adoption paperwork and the doctor got on my case again about my pre-diabetic status and told me no rice, bread, pasta, potatoes, or sugar. I seriously wonder how she listed off all of those things as needing to be banned from my diet while keeping a straight face.

For now, I am not making goals about dropping X lbs. this week or month or anything like that. Because going back to my desk job and commuting and having pretty much zero desire to figure out what to make for dinner all tell me that if I try making a goal about losing a specific amount of weight that it won't happen, and frankly, I don't even know when I would get around to weighing myself in the first place. Instead, I plan to: 1. Stop eating cookies every day. Some people are addicted to diet Coke. I am addicted to cookies. 2. Ease up on the snacking at work. No more trips to the vending machines. Bring fruit or veggies or maybe nuts from home to snack on and drink water or chew a stick of gum instead. So far, so good. 3. Back off foods heavy in cheese and ease up on some of the carb consumption. Not all carb consumption like the doctor suggested, but some at least. 4. No more eating late at night. I am cutting myself off at 9:00 p.m. I would say 8:00 but sometimes with work and Clara I just can't get to dinner until after 8:00 once our little lady is asleep. 5. Go for more walks with Paul and Clara in the evenings, something we used to do all the time (hopefully this will be easier as the days start to get a little longer). Try going for a run at least twice a week, even if it is just to do a mile or two on Saturdays and an evening run one other day of the week after Clara is in bed.

Here are some other resolutions I intend to work on this year:

1. Do FaNcy-ScHMaNcY blogposts with fun colors and fonts and stuff.

2. Memorize poetry and recite it at Orchard Valley Coffee, the local coffee shop that has live music and that kind of thing.

3. Start a fashion/style/design blog.

4. Travel to at least three new countries.

Yeah right - I'm totally kidding. I won't be doing any of that stuff this year because I don't have the time and I'm not that cool. Instead, here are the hum-drum resolutions that I know will actually make me a happier, healthier, and better person.

1. Daily prayer and scripture study. I don't know when and how I got out of this habit, but it happened and it is time to get back to it. I am always happier and better able to handle stress when I make this a priority.

2. Work on my temper. Be kind. Think of others. Talk to people.

3. Plan meals ahead of time, budget household expenses, and start saying "no" to every little thing I feel like I "must" have including treats, clothes, toys, etc. Not always, but right now I say "yes" to myself too often to be good for me.

4. Take photos. Live adventurously. Blog. I love to get out and experience the world around me but it is so easy to get so busy with the day-to-day that it feels like there is no time to be spontaneous and adventurous and awesome. And dadgummit, I have an indominatable nature and a insuppressable NEED to be awesome. It is not that I care that others think I am awesome, I want to truly BE awesome.

5. Show my family how much I love them rather than just tell them that all the time. This entails reading books to Clara, dancing with her outside in the sunshine and under the stars, footrubs for Paul, going on dates, etc.

6. Read. Audiobooks are amazing and I love them, but I also want to do better about physically picking up a book and perusing its pages. Go to the library. Even though I tend to prefer just purchasing my own books rather than checking out used copies, I think the library is healthy for the human soul and modern civilization. It is also healthy for our bank account when I borrow books rather than buy them.

7. Get approved to start our next adoption. Not freak out when waiting for birthmom contacts after our adoption profile is approved. I don't want to get so caught up in what might happen that I miss out on what is happening.

8. Do two personal progress goals each month. In the one month that I have been in my new calling as the Young Womens' 2nd Counselor in my ward, I have realized that I somehow don't seem to interact as well with the Beehives as I thougth I would. Basically, it feels like they kind of ignore me. I want to them to come up to me in the grocery store just because they think I am so fun to be around instead of darting down the dog food or kleenex aisle. Maybe doing personal progress with them will help me relate? How do I make 12-13 year olds understand how great and fun and hip I am?! Although, that age bracket was convinced of my nerdiness when I was in it, so I don't know why that would have changed as I have aged out of my teen years.

9. Travel to at least three new countries. Okay, I'm kidding again. But I really, REALLY would love it if we could. My little sister is doing an internship in Belize this summer after all and I would love to go visit her while she is there...

Last Christmas/New Year's Post, then on to 2012

2012-01-07T11:19:00.000-08:00

I have a number of random photos on my iPhone, so I thought I would post them on here before I lose them. One of the really fun things about this December was receiving parcels on our doorstep on an almost daily basis, either things we had ordered or gifts from family.

One of the packages contained cute ornaments that Kayli's youngest brother made for Clara. Before they went on the tree, Clara wanted to put them in her mouth.

Clara was completely wild at the airport on the night we flew to Salt Lake. It was WAY past her bedtime and she was super tired, but there was just too much going on for her to fall asleep. The only way I could get her focused enough to take her bottle was to lay her on my lap and let her drink almost upside down.

My grandpa sets up this train around their Christmas tree every year and they really wanted the little girls (Clara, Emma and Lily) to come by and enjoy it. I have fond memories of watching the Christmas train go around and around with its flashing lights and dancing figurines. Clara enjoyed it too.

The day after our sealing, I ended up having a number of things come up with work that basically stressed me out like crazy and I turned into an angry bear. For my own sake, as well as for the sake of Paul's family who surely didn't want me around when I was being such a mental case, I banished myself to the storage room in the basement and spent the majority of the day down there working on my laptop and hiding from my 7-year old niece who was demanding that I paint my nails with her or watch her Barbie movies (those shows are horrible - seriously, the worst). I made an angry face to prove how I felt about working over Christmas break. Why doesn't the whole world just shut down that week? Would that be so hard?

We flew Southwest on the way to Utah, but on the return trip we flew Jet Blue. I am a big Jet Blue fan. The seats are more spacious, the snacks are better, and everybody gets their own t.v. to watch. The only problem was that we had a stop in Long Beach where we had to get off the plane, wait long enough for me to hose down Clara in the bathroom after she had one of her messiest diapers ever (I just threw away the onesie she was wearing underneath her clothes it was so bad), and then we got right back on the same plane we had previously been on. I love airports where you get to deboard outside by walking down stairs rather than going straight into the terminal. It makes me feel like a foreign dignitary or something.

Now that Clara can crawl in a dead sprint and wants to stand almost all the time, flying with her isn't nearly as easy as it was when we went to Hawaii in October or Utah in August. Back then, she would just doze off in my arms. But now she flings herself bodily back and forth between me and Paul, occasionally laying across both of our laps and munching on yogurt puffs to keep her entertained in such a small space. At one point, she grabbed for my ginger ale and knocked it over, spilling it off the little tray and into my shoe. Yuck. She never cried, but she was kind of loud a few times. Good thing we don't have any more trips planned for a little while I guess.

Paul and I fight over who gets to push Clara in her stroller when we go on walks. A new family game is for me to run in front of Clara while Paul chases me with the stroller. I zig and zag to get away from them and Clara thinks it is hilarious while I burn a few extra calories.

When we go for late night walks after Clara's bath, this extra-thick and warm jumper that my mom gave Clara for Christmas keeps her nice and cozy in her stroller. This is Clara's table that she got for Christmas. We were a little sad when we realized that LeapFrog changed out the banjo that is on the older model of the table that Jennie has for a not as cool guitar on the newer model. Clara still obsesses over this toy though and it is perfect for helping her practice her standing.

Jessica celebrated her 23rd birthday on December 30th. Clara helped her to unwrap presents.

Jessica found darling sweatshirts for the girls with the saying "Auntie Rocks" on the front, so we dressed everybody up and took a photo of Jessica with all three of her nieces.

I enjoyed holding Lily. She is such a hefty, darling little bundle and just the smiliest, sweetest thing. Clara and I spent time playing with Lily on the floor in the family room. I am so happy that Clara will have girl cousins so close to her in age. Clara and Lily will probably be in the same grade growing up and I am hoping that they can be close friends.

The purple and pink polka dot and leopard print dress is my new favorite outfit of Clara's. My mom and I found it at Naartje when my family was visiting us over Thanksgiving. It looks like it was made for her, and the matching tights are beyond perfect.

On the day that Kayli had to fly back to Texas, we wanted to take some photos with her and Clara. It was so wonderful having her spend so much of Christmas with us and we miss her a lot already. We had a great time going to lunch with Kayli and another adoptive couple who we have become friends with through our blogs (and who, incidentally, are approved to adopt again and are in the waiting phase right now - please look at their website and pass their info along!) and their son's birthmom, taking Kayli to dinner at our favorite restaurant, Bombay House, for chicken tikka masala, and just spending time together chatting about life and plans and how awesome adoption is. Paul and I have been so unbelievably blessed by having Kayli come into our lives and we love her so much.

Okay, that is it for Christmas and New Year's photos. I finally feel like I am finally pretty much caught up with the blog as far as photos go now.

Casebolt Family Photos

2012-01-05T07:12:00.000-08:00

On New Year's Day, my family was all dressed up for church so we took a few quick family photos in the living room at home. It was a little tricky getting everybody to look at the camera or to keep their eyes open or to keep Sally (our dog) out of the picture, but I think that at least a few of the shots turned out pretty nice. And now Paul and I have updated family photos of both his family and my family for our next adoption profile (since in our last family photos there was only one grandchild on each side and now there are FIVE! on Paul's side and THREE! on my side!).

When I was younger, my parents usually wouldn't get in family photos with us. They wanted it to be of just the kids. In fact, I don't have a whole lot of photos of my parents from when I was growing up and that is sad for me. So I try to make sure to get photos of them whenever I can now. And it has taught me the valuable lesson that I need to make sure to hand off the camera to others while Clara (and our future children) are growing up and get in pictures with them because someday, I am betting that they, like me, will want to know what Mom looked like on Halloween or Christmas morning or at the beach or on their birthdays. Besides, my parents are two of the best looking grandparents I know.

The next two photos are basically the same except in one of them Jennie and Emma are not looking at the camera and I can't quite tell if my mom's eyes are closed or not, and in the other photo my brother Ryan is trying to lurk out of the picture, Lily is looking away and Sally has snuck into the frame. I haven't decided which is better and I thought I would put both on here pretty much for Jennie so that she could decide which one she prefers.

And of course we had to take some pictures of Grandma Cici and her granddaughters. These little girls adore their grandma. My mom purchased the Christmas dresses for the three girls so that they would coordinate without being matchy-matchy and I think that they all look so darling. My mom has great taste.

We finally coaxed a smile out of Clara who was being unusually somber for the photos.

Clara and Lily were so cute sitting in the chair together. They are only three months apart in age, and two pounds apart in weight. I still think that Lily looks a lot like I look in my baby photos. I was short and fat - seriously fat - and Lils is pretty much one of the chunkiest babies ever.

Miss January

2012-01-03T22:12:00.000-08:00

I feel like I have SO much to blog about and so little time. But I had to start with these photos of Clara that we took on January 2nd. She was given this blue coat with snowflakes from her great aunts Judy & Renita for Christmas. We don't have snow around here, but the warm jacket was perfect for a photo shoot in the park.

I love how the little girl on the shirt looks just like Clara with her dark hair.

I kept getting caught in the photo shoot though because Clarabelle is so mobile these days that she doesn't sit still for more than a few seconds at a time. The ground was muddy and if I didn't grab her quick she would stick her fingers into the wet dirt and make a mess (it happened a time or two).

Last night we decided to try something new and let Clara feed herself. Actually, I was feeding her and turned away for just a second, only to turn back to a very messy little miss who had grabbed ahold of her green beans and was desperately trying to get them into her mouth on her own. Since I had overcooked the broccoli that went with our dinner and it was mushy and gross, I gave Clara small clumps of the soggy, limp vegetable. She was in heaven, which just shows how discriminating her palate currently is. Incidentally, don't try the beef stroganoff from Our Best Bites - it is the first recipe of theirs that I actually don't like and I am even a fan of beef stroganoff. By the end of the meal, she had green beans and broccoli everywhere. Her look was priceless too: her little shrug and worried eyes suggest the words "I'm sorry about the mess mom?"

She managed to get the spoon in going the right direction a couple of times, but more often than not she just gnawed on the opposite end. We think she is teething with the way she has been chomping down on absolutely anything and everything all the time lately. Tonight she got to try tiny pieces of chicken that I cooked in the crockpot all day (the Our Best Bites Fauxtisserie Chicken was a hit with Mom, Dad, and Clara alike, unlike the stroganoff), mango (dessert) and steamed carrots (for Paul - I had broccoli that I cooked much better tonight.

White Christmas (or in other words, the day we took Clara to the temple)

2011-12-31T21:56:00.001-08:00

Part of me wanted to wait to write this post until we had photos back from the photographer we hired to take our pictures after Clara's sealing, but another part of me figured that I could just use the photos my sister took for us with our camera and either do a separate post or add the photos later so that I can at least get my thoughts down about this wonderful day before I get back home from our Christmas vacation and get bogged down in work again.

For those who are not of our faith, a little explanation might be in order: When any couple gets married, there is both a legal aspect (obtaining a marriage license) and a religious aspect (for many or most couples) where they make vows to each other, usually under the authority of a religious leader. With adoption, there is also a legal aspect where a family is created on the day of finalization in court, but in our faith, we are also able to go to the temple and have the religious aspect called a "temple sealing" completed where Clara is sealed to me and Paul for eternity.

In many ways, it felt like a continuation of our wedding day, which might seem strange to some people but it didn't seem that way at all to me. Most of the same people who were there on our wedding day were there on Tuesday. We dressed in white (which is how everyone dresses in the temple and how Paul and I were dressed when we got married - Paul only changed into his tuxedo for the reception afterwards on our wedding day) and received blessings of eternal consequence as Clara was sealed to us as our daughter as though she had been born to us. There was so much joy and peace and comfort in the knowledge that we have a Heavenly Father who has a plan for His children and that he wants only our happiness. I am grateful for the knowledge that families can be together forever. We celebrated afterwards with cherished friends and family.

Paul and I woke up early on Tuesday morning, December 27th, and got dressed so that when Clara woke up, we didn't have to rush getting all three of us ready and out the door. By 7:45, Paul, Clara, my mom and I were dressed in our Sunday best and we headed to the Salt Lake Temple in the 20 degree Utah weather. My mom stayed with Clara in the temple nursery and fed her a bottle and got her dressed in her white dress while Paul and I were changing into our temple clothes and taking care of the business end of things with the temple records office. When my mom brought Clara in a little white stroller into the temple sealing room where everyone was waiting for them, Clara's eyes lit up and her mouth formed a round little "O" and she said "oooohh!" and then smiled her brilliant smile. Every heart melted and it was perfection.

We were so glad that Kayli, her mom, and all four of Kayli's grandparents were able to be in the temple with us - this is a very rare thing for an adoptive couple to have their birthmom present in the temple at the sealing. In fact, I have never heard of it before. Kayli is truly just a remarkable person and our love for her just grows more and more each day.

Clara was radiant in her white temple dress with white embroidered details and small pearl beads with a soft, white cardigan with white bows on it that my mom found for her after much searching. After the temple ceremony was finished, Paul and I were allowed to go outside in our "temple whites" with Clara to take pictures. First we did a big group shot with everybody who came to the temple with us (except for Kayli's mom and grandparents who had already left), and then our photographer showed up and took photos of Paul, Clara and I alone, while my mom, my sister Jessica, and Kayli followed us around carrying blankets to keep Clara warm and getting her attention so that she would look at the camera.

After taking photos on the temple grounds in our white clothes, we went back inside and changed into our church clothes again and then took more family photos outside. My mom also bought Clara's plaid and cream Christmas dress with her red dress coat and black patent leather shoes. I wore my cream colored coat with my green scarf and Paul wore a red sweater that perfectly matched Clara's coat. Clara was such a good girl and grinned and looked at the camera and didn't once complain or fuss even though it was awfully chilly and her little nose turned bright red from the cold.

Once we were all done with photos, Paul, Clara, my mom, Jessica, Kayli and I piled into the suburban and drove back home to my parents' house where Paul gave Clara a baby blessing and then we had a very nice lunch of lasagna, ceasar's salad, garlic bread, and some delicious desserts, which I need to post recipes for soon since I had a number of people ask for my cherry cheesecake tart recipe. Paul did a great job with Clara's blessing even though he had worried beforehand that he would be too emotional to get through it without blubbering to the point of incoherency. Over baked lasanga and bread, conversation flowed, relationships were strengthened, and everyone seemed to have a great time.

Some of our very best friends who also happened to be two of the couples who wrote recommendation letters for us at the outset of our process to adopt Clara were able to be there with us in the temple and at the luncheon afterwards. We so wish that they lived close by so we could see them all the time like we used to be able to!

It was a wonderful day and we are so happy to have completed this last and most important of adoption milestones. I will post the professional photos when our photographer gets them to me.

Christmas 2011

2011-12-29T11:06:00.000-08:00

Paul, Clara and I flew in to the SLC airport at 1:00 a.m. on December 24th. The 23rd was hectic and crazy for me at work but Paul had the day off so he stayed home with Clara and got the car loaded and the house cleaned so we could leave right at 5:30 when I got home. Our flight from Oakland was delayed so Clara just stayed awake and played and when an announcement came over the loudspeaker that Santa was at Gate 22 taking pictures with kids for free I told Paul to stay with our things and I hustled over with Clara and had our photo taken. Clara kept trying to squirm off this Santa's lap and wasn't exactly being the most cooperative little gal (it was 9:00 p.m. and way past her bedtime by this point so you can't exactly blame her) but as soon as I got in the picture with her and Santa, she flashed her grin and we had our shot.

We spent Christmas Eve wrapping presents at my parents' house and playing with the kids. Emma and Lily, Clara's cousins, are so darling and so much fun and we had fun holding them and watching Emma run around. Clara decided she is a big fan of our family dog, Sally, and squealed and chased her whenever Sally was nearby. Sally is 15 years old and completely deaf and doesn't particularly want anything to do with kids so she would just look annoyed and walk away anytime Clara got close.

My mom ordered pizza for dinner and my aunts, uncle, and grandparents came over to visit, eat, and watch us open our traditional Christmas Eve present from my mom - new pajamas. Clara wasn't as interested in pajamas as she was with the little musical LeapFrog table that is the perfect size for her to practice standing. She loves that thing and stood and bounced and danced all night long, entranced by the colors, the music (banjo appears to be her favorite instrument as she dances the most energetically whenever she hears those twangy sounds), and the flashing lights.

Lily is 4 months old and weighs 15 pounds. Clara is three months older than her but only weighs 2 pounds more. Little Lily is darling and smiley and very responsive when she is being talked to. I loved holding her and smelling her fresh, sweet scent.

Emma was so good with Clara and kept giving her kisses and playing with her. I think that Clara loved being able to stand up with Emma to the little table or the tin of caramel corn that somebody brought to share. Emma and Clara were given matching pink pajamas with Christmas stockings all over them and they looked so darling together.

We tried to get a shot of the three cousins but it didn't work out so well. Clara was distracted by the ribbons on presents most of the time, Emma didn't quite grasp the concept of holding Lily in a sitting position and even pushed her over one time (Lily didn't fall - she got stuck bent in half because her stomach is so round that it prevented her from actually toppling - but it made her mad), and we didn't get a single shot of the three of them looking at the camera at the same time. They still look so sweet together though and it was so fun having these three girls around for Christmas, especially since last year it was just Emma and she had just barely turned 1. This year, Emma is a big, potty-trained 2 year old who entertained us all with her very own mash-up of "Frosty the Snowman," "Jingle Bells," and the "Hello Song" from primary.

Paul and I got new pajamas too, so we took a family pajama photo. It may not be the most flattering shot of any of us, but hey, it's Christmas so who cares, right?

The next morning my dad spoke at church and he did an amazing job. I still want to get a copy of his talk from my parents' computer before we head back to California. I actually love when Christmas falls on a Sunday and we can start the day off by getting dressed up, singing the sacred Christmas hymns, and remembering our Savior's birth before getting into the frenzy of present-opening. My grandparents and aunts came to church with us and then we all opened presents in my presents basement where the entertainment room is since that has the best space for 16 of us. My grandpa wears his Santa hat every year on Christmas and I love this photo of Grandpa and Grandma Johnson together. My grandma has had a difficult year and struggles to remember a lot of things (she probably asked me 15 times how old Clara is, but at least this visit she didn't keep asking me whose baby she was like last time).

After church, we ate a big breakfast of biscuits, macaroni & eggs (my favorite breakfast food), and bacon. Then while we were waiting for everyone to finish and change and get ready to open presents, Clara played with the LeapFrog table some more.

The presents were laid out in all their glory and were a beautiful sight before the carnage began. It looks like a lot, but there were 16 of us after all. Every year on Christmas Eve my dad looks at the piles of wrapped gifts and exclaims to the room in general, "This isn't nearly enough presents!" He is usually only sort of joking.

Paul and I had already let Clara play with her presents from us back in California so that we had a few less things to pack back with us on our return flight. We gave her a little piano, a knot toy with lots of mirrors and squeakers and interesting things to chew, and an elephant that I sewed for her. My parents played Santa though and set up a pile of unwrapped toys for her to discover on Christmas morning, including her very own Learn & Groove LeapFrog table like the one that she obsessed over on Christmas Eve. She also got books, a puzzle, a beach towel, a spinning highchair toy that suctions onto her tray, and some blocks.

All the girls (minus Lily who was sleeping) waited together at the top of the stairs before going down to see what Santa brought. Emma said that night before that she didn't want Santa to come to our house but once morning rolled around and we told her that there were presents there for her from him, she seemed curious about it but didn't totally understand yet. Clara looked pretty excited about the idea of presents though. (Or maybe she was just smiling for her daddy who was taking our pictures.)

At first, Clarabelle wasn't quite sure what to think of all the packages and toys that were covering the floor of the room. But she eventually got into it with mommy's help and started playing with her new things.

After about 15 minutes of watching Clara and Emma enjoy their things from Santa, we started pulling out the wrapped gifts and distributing them to the intended recipients. Clara was in heaven crawling through the maze of brightly wrapped boxes and sucking at any ribbons she could get her grasping little fingers on.

Just before we came to Utah (like maybe December 22nd-ish) Clara discovered that she could pull herself up into a standing position by grabbing onto stable objects and pushing off her knees. Presents stacked two or three high made the perfect platform for her to get to her feet and she was showing off all morning for Grandma Cici and Grandpa Russ.

Some people are dainty gift-unwrappers who delicately slide their fingers through taped seams and unfold the paper in a refined manner, but I am more of the tear-it-open-with-reckless-abandon types. We are teaching Clara to be the same way, and so far she does a pretty good job of grabbing onto a scrap of paper and holding it while we twist the box until the present is uncovered.

Clara received beautiful books from her Aunt Jennie's family, a toy lantern from her Uncle Ryan, and a stuffed giraffe from her Aunt Jessica. Clarabelle also receive many cute clothes from her grandparents, great-grandparents, and great-aunts. One of our favorite outfits that she received is a puffy blue coat with snowflakes on it along with matching leggings, a shirt, and a creamy knit beret.

I am not sure how I only ended up with one photo of Emma on Christmas morning. I think it is because she got focused on one gift and then didn't want to open any others and then maybe she went down for a nap or something at some point. But I am sure that Jennie will post lots of photos of Emma and Lily on her blog soon.

The best moment of the day though was when my dad had each of the boys (Paul, Ryan, and Ry) open matching gifts of Nerf missile guns. As they struggled to pull their guns out and load up to be the first one to shoot the others, my dad snuck out of the room and walked back in with a gun twice the size of any of theirs, already primed and loaded, and unleashed a rain of foam darts on the boys. I think my dad's smile is the best and says it all about how much fun we have at Christmas time in my family.

After all the gifts were given and received, Paul, Clara and I rushed off to the airport to pick up Kayli, who was flying in from Texas. We were almost late getting there since her plane landed early, but after dashing through the parking lot, we got to baggage with about a minute to catch our breath before she walked down the corridor. It was wonderful to be with her again and we had fun catching up while waiting for her bags and then while we drove down to Alpine for Christmas dinner with Paul's family.

At Paul's parents' house, we played with cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents. Paul's brother John had just returned from study abroad in Jordan two days before and had just met his one month old son who was born while John was gone. We had a nice dinner and then took a family photo outside in the freezing cold, even though none of us had dressed up for the photos, since Paul's older brother Bobby wouldn't be around for the rest of the week and we wouldn't have everyone together again.

Kayli fed Clara her dinner before it was time to start unwrapping presents from the Nash side of our family. It was so nice having everyone around - seeing the four brothers with their small children who crawl and toddle all over the place.

Once the kids were in their jammies, they had fun playing with the new toys that had been received. Clara especially liked a ball that lit up and shook and she chased it around on the floor in fascination for a while as her dad and uncles looked on. The raptor puppet that Paul and I gave Paul's dad was a big hit too.

Just before Paul and I left with Clara and Kayli to head back north, we took a quick photo with each of the boys with their kids (except Bobby's Elizabeth who wouldn't join the picture) and then one of each of the wives with the kids.

Meet Vaughn - the youngest and newest addition to the Nash family.

It was another beautiful Christmas and so different from last Christmas when Jessica was on her mission and Clara, Lily, and Vaughn were still making their way to our families. We feel so blessed to have each other and to celebrate the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ, with those we love.

In which I discuss our family planning

2011-12-21T06:43:00.000-08:00

*I added a few additional thoughts at the bottom of this post based on a couple of comments.

It's happening again...I am finding myself inexplicably drawn to our adoption agency's website to look at couples who are on there currently hoping to adopt. I wonder about them - how long they have been waiting, whether they have been contacted by any birthmoms - and I feel for them. This happened to me the last time too - I looked through every profile of every couple (all 900+ of them) when we were just getting started with our first adoption forms in September 2010. I was just so amazed by all of the incredible couples out there whose only (or at least best) hope for having children is through adoption.

Paul and I are starting up the process again in earnest. Well, maybe more in earnest after we get back from Christmas and our temple sealing with Clara. To be honest, I meant to start filling out paperwork and getting my physical and fingerprints done in November before I went back to work, but I just didn't feel the same urgency that I felt last time and I had other things keeping me busy and focused, so I let my personal deadlines slip past. But lately I have had that feeling again - the one where I feel like it would be best not to sit on this but instead to start pushing us along toward approval again, even though it is intimidating and frustrating and it means stepping from the comfortable security of knowing that Paul and I ARE parents to a perfect little girl back into the realm of doubt that we will ever be chosen again and worry about experiencing one of the adoption horror stories that are unfortunately reality and a likely possibility for couples who hope to adopt like we do.

I know that it may seem soon to be starting the process again to a lot of people, but I would love for Clara to have a brother or sister who is fairly close to her in age. It took us 6 months last time just to get through all of the paperwork, fingerprinting, physicals, required education, interviews, home studies, and CPR training in order to get approved and have our profile up for birthmoms to even begin looking at us and we have to go through that entire process again now (for the most part - we don't have to get referral letters from friends this time as our agency can use the ones we obtained the first time around which will hopefully shave off about a month from the time-frame - thanks again to those of you who wrote those letters for us!). Our goal is to hopefully have our profile go live the day after Clara's 1st birthday in May, which is the earliest that our agency will allow it to go up again.

When I start thinking about adopting again, I hear my caseworker's voice repeating the words she said to us in our first meeting: "It takes 2 years on average for most couples to have a baby placed with them once their profile is up. Anywhere from 1 to 3 years is normal." And I get a little choked up with gratitude at how Heavenly Father guided Kayli and Clara to us just nine months after I first knew that it was time for Paul and I to start the adoption process immediately instead of waiting a little longer like we had planned. I cherish these days as Clara's mommy and what it is like with just our little family of three. I am thankful that I was able to be there at Clara's birth - that doesn't happen for a lot of adoptive couples - and that I was able to stay at home with her through her first 6 1/2 months of life. I keep calling her my baby, but she is starting to feel not so baby-ish anymore with her purposeful babbles, her love of standing and walking with mom or dad's help, and her beautiful and ridiculously-long-for-a-7-month-old hair. Thank goodness she doesn't have any teeth yet so she can still give us her wild and gummy grins!

But this weekend I printed off the stack paperwork that needs to be completed for another adoption and yesterday I started redrafting our birthparent letter and thinking about what it will be like having a new little spirit and body in our home and what stage Clara might be at when a brother or sister joins us a year or two or maybe three (please don't let it take that long!) down the road. Ideally, factoring in the size of family that I would like to have and our ages, I would love to have Clara and her next sibling be somewhere between 18 months to 2 1/2 years apart. If it happens that this time around that we are chosen as quickly as we were with Clara (which was already a HUGE miracle since very few adoptions happen that quickly) then the kids would still be at least 14-15 months apart, which isn't so bad even if it might be difficult at first. A big part of the reason why I am back at work instead of staying home with Clara full-time right now is because adoptions are very expensive and so our dual incomes are making it possible for us to save for another baby.

I wonder what this next baby (babies? you never know) will be like. Will it be a he or a she? How will we decide on a name? I wonder about our next birthmom. We were skyping with Kayli the other evening and she was musing about the next birthmom too and saying that she wonders if they will be able to develop a relationship, sort of like sisters. I hope so. Will she be early in her pregnancy when she contacts us or will the baby already be born? Will we go through the heartbreak of failed placements like so many other adoptive couples we know? How many birthmoms will contact us before we are contacted by The One? Will she find us through a friend? Through our agency? Through a pass-along card? Will the birthfather want to be involved? What state will she be from? How old will our birthmom be? Will the baby be bald or have hair like Clara? Will the birthmom's family be as supportive and strong and incredible as Kayli's family, who we love like they are our own? What will placement be like? What time of the year will it be?

Anyway, we are aware that there are a lot of people out there who love us and offered hundreds of prayers for us when we were in the process of adopting Clara. She has been our greatest blessing and it feels selfish and almost too much to hope for another little one. Yet still I dream about holding another wee helpless bundle close and looking into his or her eyes, and I have an image of our little Clara with even longer hair bending over and softly kissing the new and perfect cheek of her baby brother or baby sister.

We will continue to post updates every now and then about how we are progressing through the requirements to be approved, and everyone will certainly know when our profile goes live and we start sending out pass-along cards again and asking everybody we know to keeps their ears open for word of someone who might not know what to do about the little life she is carrying within her. In the meantime, if anyone hears of a potential birthmother, still feel free to let her know about us because you never know what might happen and at the very least, we would love for her to be able to talk with Kayli (who is the most incredible adoption advocate ever and totally able to understand what other birthmoms are going through having been there herself) or we could direct her to other friends of ours who are still waiting and hoping for their turn to be parents.

*I should admit to possessing some amount of conflict/guilt/uncertainty about starting this process up again when I personally know a number of couples who still have not had a successful placement yet and many of them were approved even before Paul and I started the process back in 2010. I don't know exactly how I feel about all of that and I certainly won't say that it will happen for them when it is meant to happen for them because every adoptive couple out there knows that and it is one of those phrases that we sort of hate hearing over and over because we already say that to ourselves endlessly and it starts to feel rancid if you hear it too much. I pray for these couples. I post links to their adoption blogs on the "adoption" page of this blog which you can click to at the top of the screen. I do not feel like being placed with a child is a competition whereby our reentering the field of available couples is a signal that I am ready to battle some other husband and wife who are desperately waiting for their first little one. But that doesn't mean I don't feel a little chagrined to be charging back into this craziness with high hopes for ourselves when I know what others have gone and are still going through.

Also, my dear friend Rachel who got me through so many of my adoption woes early on (which are embarassingly trite compared to what she and her husband went through with 8 failed placement/birthmom contacts) mentioned that this post gave her anxiety about starting over again and potentially going through all of that so soon after a successful placement. There is definitely anxiety on our part too, but I think that it is fairly low compared to a lot of other couples because so far we haven't been burned (at least not very badly) by scammers or birthmoms who (understandably) change their minds. If we had gone through the torment that so many couples go through just to find their first child, I might be more hesistant or even resistant to the idea of picking this all up again so soon.

Clara Jane at 7 months old

2011-12-20T20:04:00.000-08:00

We sure love this little girl. How is it possible that she is now 7 months old?

Much to her mama's delight, Clarabelle seems less interested in television than she used to be. We let her watch the Thanksgiving Day Parade and ever since, she might glance at the screen for a little bit if it happens to be on, but she doesn't fight to see it anymore as she now has other, more interesting things to occupy her time, like exploring the house. Clara's most recent discoveries include doorstops (which she likes to flick and hear them go bwuunngggg), the brim of dad's BYU ballcap (if you put in on your own head, she will reach for it until she gets the brim of in her mouth even though the hat is still on your head and then you can watch her little tongue flick out under the brim while she chews and licks at it like a gecko), how to fight being put into her carseat by arching her body (rather than just yelling at us like she used to - she never has had much love for that thing), and how to climb over low objects (like pillows, legs, or computer bags). Judging by the amount of attention she gives when I am holding and singing to her, she appears to like "Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer" better than any other song I sing for her, including "I Love to see the Temple," "Home on the Range," "I am a Child of God," "Clementine," and "Jingle Bells."

Clara had a cold this past week. She is recovering now, but every time she sneezed she ended up with grody snot wads coating her upper lip which she tried to rub away with the back of her hand while I fought with her so that I could get it with a tissue instead. I am not sure which makes her more annoyed - the snot on her lip, me holding her arms down so she doesn't rub it all over her face and into her hair, or me constantly wiping the mess off with tissue when her poor little nose is red and sore. She also still has a not-fun-sounding cough and it woke her up at 5:15 Sunday morning. I went in and rocked her, but she seemed wide awake so I made her a bottle and started feeding her. After just a few sips she started coughing again and then whimpered and cried a sad little wail for a minute before she felt ready for the bottle again. It was the saddest thing. Amazingly, for being a little under the weather, she remains her cheerful and curious self and hasn't been fussing or crying about not feeling good.

Every night for Clara's bath, we undress her in the living room while the tub is filling with water. Then I hold her out in front of me at arm's length while her legs churn like a Kenyan in a marathon and she squeals in delight as I march around the room singing "Naked Baby Parade," which is a song I made up where the lyrics pretty much only consist of the line "Naked Baby Parade!" repeated over and over in a marching rhythm. She parades around the kitchen, legs a-flailing, over to her daddy for a quick kiss, past the mirror so that she can say hi to the naked baby who hangs out there, and then into the warm water of her bubble bath. It is the best parade ever.

Clara's hair is now so long that I will put it into a high ponytail in the back sometimes. That hairdo doesn't last through naps as well as pigtails will, but it is awfully cute on her so I do it every now and then anyway.

Clara can now get from a crawling position into a sitting position all on her own without any trouble. She has started climbing over obstacles that are in her way if they are not too large. Clara has also decided to start exploring the house a lot more and has ventured into the kitchen, the guest bedroom, and the office on her own. Sunday night, Paul and I were sitting in the living room talking while she was playing when she decided to head off down the hallway. Since she has previously been a little tentative about going very far down the hallway and since all the lights were off in the bedrooms and the hallway room, we both got quiet and just watched her little form progress toward the office, her hands slapping on the wood floor as she went. It is funny how something like crawling down a hallway further than she has ever crawled before makes us so proud as parents.

Our seven month old Clara-girl loves to stand. She hasn't figured out how to get to standing position very well yet, although she has accomplished it a couple of times, but what she really likes is for mom or dad to hold her little hands and adjust so that she doesn't lose her balance while she practices standing. She loves "walking"' this way with us following her around as she wobbles here and there.

Clara is not doing so good at church these days. She used to be able to take naps in her carseat or our arms in meetings, but now church goes right through her naptime and she struggles and yelps and wants down, then up, then down, then up the whole time until finally she falls asleep with 10 minutes of church left, which is hard because then she wakes up when we get home and essentially does without her mid-day nap on Sundays. Our meeting time changes to 9:00 a.m. in January though, so hopefully we will have an easier time with her at church in not too long.

Clara seems to be developing a little more preference about what she eats and will not hesitate to push food away now if she doesn't feel like eating or if she doesn't like it. She doesn't have any teeth yet and still no signs of them, so she is just getting the pureed baby foods still in the flavor combos and I try to give her fresh fruit in her mesh food thing to nosh on as often as I can.

Clara wakes up between 6:30 and 7:00 a.m. almost every day and goes to sleep between 7:30 and 9:00 p.m. She naps for an hour and a half each morning, then takes two shorter 30-45 minutes naps in the afternoon, one at 1:00 p.m. and the other at 3:30 or 4:00 p.m.

Clara has discovered a love for jewelry - especially my pearl necklace or dangly earrings - and high heels - which she constantly tries to chew on if I leave them where she can get at them after getting home from work or church.

She still loves "eensy, weensy spider" and is starting to really enjoy "trot, trot to Boston" and any kind of ballroom dancing with mom. Her other new favorite game is to chase or be chased around the house. She giggles her little head off as Paul runs away from me with her while she looks over his shoulder back at me coming after them with fingers wiggling. When I "catch" them, she laughs and then they start "chasing" me. She has also figured out how to "run away" from us herself by crawling as fast as she can while we loudly clomp after her until we grab and tickle her.

We are looking forward to playing Santa for her in just a few days now...

Year-in-Review

2011-12-18T22:36:00.000-08:00

So much happened in 2011 for the House of Nash. Here is our Year-in-Review:

January

Paul and I started the first major phase of remodeling on our house that was built in 1958 and needed some serious updating. We spent a lot of time at Home Depot daydreaming about paint colors and we moved everything out of the four bedrooms and into the living room or garage. We had finished all of our adoption paperwork a month or two before and spent all of January wondering when, oh when, would our profile ever be approved and go live so that birthmoms could start considering us.

February

Our adoption profile went live on February 7th. We were excited and nervous and so very hopeful. I started checking my email something like 5 times an hour. It was out of control.

Paul's brother Dave came to stay with us for a few days and he instructed Paul on how to texture walls and install doors. Together they framed in walls for closets, tore out old doors and carpeting, and made huge progress on the house.

After Dave left, Paul and I worked hard on sanding down textured walls, then priming and painting. Paul spent a lot of time with a saw and a nail gun putting up trim around the floor boards, windows, doors and closets.

March

When I went back through both our House of Nash blog and our adoption blog, I realized that I didn't have any photos really from those months and the blog posts were somewhat sparse. That's because in early March we were contacted by Kayli. It was thrilling and intimidating. We emailed often - almost every day it seemed like - for most of that month and by the end of March, we felt confident announcing that Kayli had chosen us to be the parents of the baby girl that she was carrying who was due on May 13.

April

My mom, sister and niece Emma came to visit over General Conference weekend. It was so much fun having them out here to visit and we enjoyed walking at the lake, going shopping, and watching general conference.

The following weekend, Paul and I flew down to Texas and met Kayli face-to-face for the first time. It was amazing and fun and exciting. We already felt like we knew Kayli from our phone calls and emails and texts and we just felt so much love for her being there with her.

I held a baby goat. It was awesome.

May

Paul and I celebrated our 7th anniversary on May 7th. Then on Mother's Day, I flew to Texas to be there in case Clara decided to come early. She didn't. In fact, I ended up being there for 2 weeks. It was an intense two weeks, but I am so grateful for the time that I had to spend with Kayli leading up to Clara's birth.

Finally, on May 19, 2011, Clara Jane Nash made her way into the world.

Paul was still in California the day that Clara was born working at the new law firm he had just started at a few weeks before. He flew out the next day and got to meet his daughter late in the evening on May 20th.

Paul and Clara got to experience their first tornado during Clara's first week of life. It was scary and exciting. We hunkered down with Kayli's family in the hallway and waited out the storm.

June

My parents came to stay with us in California when Clara was just two weeks old. Clara slept, and slept, and slept.

For Paul's 30th birthday, we went to Huntington Lake with his family, including his aunt and uncle and cousins. Clara went swimming for the first time at 5 weeks old.

Then we took Clara camping in the Santa Cruz mountains with our good friends. She slept in her pack-n-play all swaddled in warm blankets like a champ for most of the night and then cuddled with us in our sleeping bags in the early morning.

Our friend Ginny threw us a beautiful baby shower with a book theme. We were given so many nice gifts from wonderful friends and had such a fun time.

July

Clara continued to sleep a lot during the month of July. In fact, in early July she was going through a growth spurt and it seemed like she was sleeping 20+ hours a day. We took her to Sanborn Park to take photos for the 4th of July and Clara was very annoyed when we tried to wake her up to look at the camera.

August

In August, my little sister Jessica got home from her mission. It was also the first time that my sister (who was 9 months pregnant) got to meet Clara. In fact, Jennie went in to labor less than 24 hours after this picture was taken at the airport.

Clara had fun meeting her cousins, Emma and Lily.

Paul didn't get to come to Utah with us and was excited when we got back from our trip. Clara and I missed him while we were gone and were glad to get back home.

We also started harvesting our garden in August. It was the first time that we have ever done a garden (Paul's parents had helped Paul plant it earlier in the year when they were out visiting us) and we ended up with a lot of delicious produce. One of our favorite things that we grew were the three varieties of lettuce because we were able to have so many fresh salads just by going outside and clipping a few greens.

September

In September, I won Best Overall Pie at our stake harvest festival. It was super exciting and I was ridiculously and embarrassingly proud.

We also took Clara to San Francisco for the first time and walked across the Golden Gate Bridge. It was breezy and cold and Paul ended up pushing an empty stroller while I carried Clara bundled up in blankets in my arms most of the way trying to keep her face out of the wind.

October

I turned 31 in October this year. We went on our much-anticipated Hawaiian vacation the first week of the month. Paul and I had never been to Hawaii together even though we had each been there with our families when we were young. Maui was beautiful and we had a great time playing on the beaches with Clara, who did really well with the waves and the sand.

Paul's parents came and stayed with us the week after we got back from Hawaii. We loved having them here with us and Clara was especially excited to have grandparents around. The weekend of my birthday, we went to Yosemite for our annual trip there. We stayed at the lodge in one of the family rooms, went on hikes, and just enjoyed spending time together.

For Clara's first ever Halloween, she dressed up at Little Red Riding Hood and mom and dad took supporting roles as Granny and the Big Bad Wolf. We took photos of all the scenes from the story and created a book that we gave as gifts to Kayli, the grandparents, and my sisters.

November

Clara's adoption was finalized on November 18th in the Santa Clara County courthouse in celebration of National Adoption Day. It was an amazing day - one of my favorite days of my life. Clara seemed to be having a really good time too.

We visited our good friends the Millers in November at their new home in Auburn. We miss them a lot and wish that they were closer by so that we could hang out with them like we used to. But it is nice that they aren't so far away that we can't do weekend visits like this one.

My parents and my sister Jessica came out over Thanksgiving. We ate lots of good food, played with Clara, and did some shopping. We also drove into the mountains nearby and cut down our Christmas tree.

December

And here we are in December now, just a week away from another Christmas - our first with our precious baby girl. My sister pointed out to me the other week that she remembered me writing a blog post last December where I was musing about the length of time typical adoptions take and pondering whether there was any chance that we would have a baby by Christmas 2011. And I am so thankful that Clara is here with us.

She seems pretty thrilled about it too.

And the year isn't over yet. Still to come is Christmas Day and then our Temple Sealing. Yes, 2011 has been a BIG year around here.

Reclaiming Christmas Spirit

2011-12-12T07:32:00.000-08:00

Last weekend we took Clara to my favorite park at Lake Vasona. Paul hadn't ever seen Clara swing before and the weather was beautiful, albeit a little cool, so we put on jackets and headed to the playground. Clarabelle is so cute in these kid safety swings - she is so little in them! But she is really good about just leaning against the front the whole time.

We took her on the slides and on the big kid swings too (sitting on our laps) but the safety swings are her favorite. There were quite a few families there (it being a fine Saturday in December after all) and she was distracted by all of the other children so she didn't seem to pay as much attention and have as much fun as she has had at the park in the past and it was harder to catch her smiles or get her to face the camera.

I told Paul on Friday night that I was sad because after an initial blast of Christmas Spirit in our home shortly after Halloween and leading up to Thanksgiving, all that magic had somehow fizzled away for me and I wanted to rekindle some of it this weekend. I'm not entirely sure what happened to make me feel more Ebenezer than Bob Cratchet, but it might have something to do with me going back to work.

For the sake of the record, I will admit that I am having a really hard time being back at work. Clara seems to have adjusted pretty well to daycare, and that is the most important thing. But I am not doing O.K. I have cried almost every single day when I have dropped Clara off and picked her up. One particularly rough night after I had been back about a week I ended up bawling for two or three hours. Surprisingly, the day after that was one of the best days I've had, so maybe I just needed to get it all out. I know my situation isn't unique or anything, so sorry for all the whining I have been doing (and will continue doing in all likelihood).

Anyway, so Saturday morning all three of us woke up bright and early and turned on Christmas tunes while we did chores, made cinnamon rolls for breakfast, and got ready for the day. Even though all of our Christmas shopping is done, we decided we might go hit the mall just to people watch and maybe buy some of those cinnamon almonds if we could find them (we never did find any! are they only in Utah or something?). Before we left, I wanted to take photos in front of our Christmas tree because Clara was so adorable in her little white boots, black knit snowflake skirt, and red bow top.

Clara is all smiles and giggles and talking these days. She talked our ears off all weekend long - it was so fun. Her other obsession is walking and even though she can crawl really well now, what she really loves most is to have us hold her hands so she is in a standing position and then follow her around while she practices taking steps. Clara-girl is actually really good at walking and if she could only figure out the balance portion, she has the motor skills down of one-foot-in-front-of-the-other.

We had fun at the mall too. We ended up buying Paul a couple of presents from me (since I got my presents the day before - the Blurb books I made of all our blog posts up through 2010. They turned out so great and we have been looking at those books all weekend.) Paul got a remote control for the camera so we can take family photos now without setting the timer setting and a new tie. Clara was crazy about the mirrors in the stores and was cracking up in J. Crew because I was throwing her up in the air in front of a mirror so she could watch herself going up and down.

On our way to get lunch at Wahoo's Fish Tacos at Santana Row, we saw a kids' performing group doing their Christmas show in an outdoor plaza. I had to stop and watch since this was the kind of thing I did when I was growing up. As we were watching the show, we started recognizing some of the kids from church and then spotting their families in the crowd. Over half the groups seems to be made up of Mormon kids from the area, just like the group I did when I was growing up in Southern California. My favorite number was something like "Santa does the Mambo" - it was hilarious watching these tiny kids shake their hips in a mock mambo. Clara is very excited to be old enough to participate.

Finally, on Sunday after church, our home teachers told us about a church in Santa Clara that puts on a live nativity every year called "Bethlehem." Since it ends tomorrow, Paul and I decided it would be the perfect way to end our weekend of reclaiming the Christmas spirit around our house, so we bundled up and headed out around 5:30. The church shuts down their parking lots, trucks in 100 tons of sand and erects two story buildings all around to make it look like Bethlehem might have looked at the time of the birth of Christ. They then have a bunch of different stations where members of their congregation show things like dying fabric, metalworking, animal care, etc. before the Nativity show itself is performed. Clara and I signed in at the Census station.

Clara eyed the goats warily as the last time she was near goats (at Paul's firm's Halloween party) they freaked her out really bad.

The llamas were more her style. They just laid there and looked around.

Mary and Joseph did a great job. The donkey was seriously cute. The only weird thing about the show was when Mary sang a Christmas version of a song from the Broadway musical "Miss Saigon" called "I swear I'll Give My Life For You". The lyrics were changed to be totally appropriate for a Nativity program, but it was still a little odd for anyone who actually knew the original song and storyline.

We didn't get any photos of the wisemen on camels or of the shepherds and sheep. There were easily a thousand people there and while we were watching the "show" portion of the night, a little girl behind us whispered loudly to her dad: "When is the angel Moroni going to show up?" It was one of the best parts of the night.

On being popular

2011-12-05T22:07:00.000-08:00

Okay, so here is the thing: I've had a long day at work, a long weekend of sickness 'round here, and three long days of work before that. And a part of me wants to hide everything I am thinking and feeling lately from the world (especially in case anybody from work reads this blog although I don't think they do except for possibly one secretary who I know knows about it but who doesn't read it regularly I think) while another part of me wants to put it all out there for some reason (that reason would be so everyone can tell me how I am awesome and have it all together and am their hero, right? Just kidding. Nope, not kidding. Sort of. You can decide.) This post isn't really about all the things I have been dealing with lately (yes I have cried every day and I might post about that and I might not, but thankfully, Clara seems to be doing pretty well at daycare), but it IS about one of the things that has been on my mind all day today for some reason.

When I was a kid, I moved A LOT. And I loved relocating for pretty much one reason: I was a HUGE nerd and I figured with each move that I had learned from past moves and could start fresh and FINALLY be popular. The Bekins truck would show up, boxes would be loaded and my family would pile in our van to drive across the country to a new state and I would sit there in my bucket seat imagining and planning about how I would convince everybody at my new school that I was super interesting and cute and fun. Inevitably, I made the same nerdy mistakes (like being too smart, not liking boys soon enough (I remember boasting to my mom that all the other girls on the playground always got caught by the boys when they were chasing us but not me and my mom knowingly saying something about those girls wanting to get caught), not understanding when all the other girls were going through certain "changes" that I was not and never would go through myself, wearing too-short jeans, being friends with teachers, saying "no" to bad things like swearing and a lot worse, eating my lunch in the library, etc.) and was immediately branded an outcast. I had very few friends. Like, one friend pretty much (you know who you are and I will be forever grateful for you and the things I have learned from you - do you miss Hawaii as much as I do?).

I have exactly 2 FB "friends" from the high school I graduated from in Nebraska. One was my senior prom date and show choir partner who asked me to the dance at the last minute by saying "I want to go to prom and I know that no one else is going to ask you so I was wondering what if we went together?" He ended up marrying a man in Iowa where that is legal. The other is a girl who is now a fashion designer in NYC who sat by me in choir and sang alto with me and she always talked about how her mom was a chain smoker and who is now a chain smoker herself from what I can tell of her FB photos. I think it is interesting that for all the people who rejected me in that small Nebraska high school that these two people would seek me out to friend me on FB.

Everything turned around for me in college though. I made friends and I had people to do things with on weekends. I didn't date a lot, but I dated some and for the most part I remember thinking that was pretty fun. Going on a mission and then going to law school were even better because I somehow filtered myself into groups of people who I had a ton in common with (the super churchy goody-two-shoes crowd and the super logical/nerdy/ambitious crowd).

Even now at work, I find myself shocked to have so many people come by my office and say they are glad I am back and ask if I want go to lunch with them (even though I am still a nerd and would probably bring along a novel and eat soup in my office while reading by myself if I had my druthers and if I bothered to take a decent lunch break in the first place). Mostly I think people at work like me to come to lunch because I usually don't know what to say to fit in to the conversation so I either end up being a very good listener OR I end up telling stories about buying guns to protect myself in a zombie apocalypse, explaining how my grandma was one of two twins named Erma and Erna and I can't ever remember which one she is, or describing how when I was a summer associate I accidentally-on-purpose low-fived a senior partner from another law firm at a mediation (a big No-No) which left him stunned and speechless (low-fiving not being normal in our profession apparently).

Today I found myself missing good friends. I was sitting in my office thinking about friends who recently moved and wishing we were going over to their house tonight for brownies and snarky talk about our favorite tv shows. I was daydreaming about friends who moved away a year ago and who will be moving back soon, hopefully close by. I was reminiscing about law school buddies, old college roomies, mission companions, high school friends of Paul's who I have claimed now as my own, adoption friends and family members (they're friends too, right? They better be. My mom will always be my best friend. I hope Clara grows up to feel the same way about me.)

And I realized that I felt popular. And it feels good, but I don't care about it the same way I did when I was a kid moving from town to town. I didn't do gratitude posts throughout November, but I don't see why I can't do one now: Today I am thankful for good friends. I wouldn't be who I am without you and I like the person that I am and I like you. So thanks.

Back to work and Christmas prep

2011-11-30T22:21:00.000-08:00

I feel like I have been a lazy blogger lately - relying entirely too much on photos of an adorable 6-month old to carry the blog and tell the whole story. It is just that I have felt super busy in these last few weeks as I have been getting things squared away for my return to work. I finished making books with all of the blog posts from this blog for the past three years using a service called Blurb that prints and binds the books. It wasn't as user friendly as I had hoped and ended up taking a long time, but I had a 25% off coupon and it was something I had been wanting to do for a long time so I am glad to have those ordered and on their way. My 2008-2009 book ended up at 214 pages and the 2010 book is 174 pages. It was interesting and fun to go back through all my old posts and pictures and see how our life has changed. I also have new insight on how to structure future blog posts to make it easier to put these books together for coming years.

I ordered Christmas cards, addressed envelopes, and put them all in the mail, which is another time-consuming task but I like how the cards turned out and it is always so fun to receive cards (and pretty much anything other than bills) so I feel like it is worth it. Unfortunately, I got lazy and just skipped putting a return address on any of the cards before mailing them so if you don't get a card from us, it probably got lost and we won't know about it because it won't be returned to us. Oops.

I also finished our Christmas shopping, which is a huge relief. And it is not even December yet! Each year I get the insane notion that I should make Christmas presents for some person or other in my family. In the past I have made aprons for my mom, sisters, sisters-in-law, niece, and mother-in-law. I have also made pajamas and church bags for family members. And each year I take on one of these sewing projects I find myself regretting it because it inevitably takes way more time and energy than I anticipate and I get stressed out about it and say that I am just BUYING all the presents the next year. This year I had the genius idea of making stuffed elephants for each of my nieces and nephews and one for Clara too.

That is seven pachyderms. If we are going by my billable hour rate at my law firm, each of these elephants is worth well into the thousands of dollars. I love each of these little hooligans - Elizabeth and Emma and Robert and Colton and Lily and Vaughn (and of course Clara) - THAT much. What took so long was handstitching on each of the ears, saddles, and eyes. My fingertips are now callused and rough, but I am happy with the way each toy turned out even if I think Santa's elves have the worst job in the world.

Today was my first day back at work and I have to say that I really appreciate all of the kind texts and emails and prayers sent our way expressing support and encouragement and love. I did most of my crying yesterday afternoon and evening although I couldn't hold it together entirely this morning when I dropped Clara off at daycare. Somethings that have made going back to work more bearable for me:

I have WAY more friends who went back to work at some point than friends who have always stayed home after having kids. In fact, I can only think of three people I know who stayed home and didn't go back to work at all. That doesn't exactly make me feel better but it eases some of my guilt and makes me feel less lonely. In some cases, it makes me feel a little ashamed of complaining in the first place since I had a much longer maternity leave than most women get anyway. Frankly, I am a little surprised at how gracious some of you have been when I have been expecting someone at some point to say "cry me a river!" with exasperation at my whining. (Incidentally, I have always been a HUGE whiner and it is one of those character flaws that I can't stand about myself but never seem to get around to fixing).
I got a new chair at work that is ergonomically designed and SO much more comfortable than my old chair.
I know it is not for forever. I keep telling myself that today I will leave by 4:00 and this week is only a three day week and then there are only a few weeks before Christmas (temple sealing! family! kayli! presents! non-stop fun!) and that even in January and February there are some long weekends and then before I know it the days will start getting longer and everything will start feeling better. I typically try not to live my life like that - wishing it away and focusing too much on the future instead of on the present - but for now it is helping me to get by.
The cafe at work has great soups and sandwiches that I love...
Clara is a GREAT baby with a sparkling personality and everybody adores her. She is smart and happy and will figure out that daycare isn't such a bad place and that mommy can't wait to see her every night. She will never grow up to remember the time when she was tiny where someone else watched her during the day and everybody says that it is much harder on the parents than it is on the child to have both parents working when they are young.
I have some awesome audiobooks to listen to while I commute. Has anybody else read the Bloody Jack series yet? I am still on the first book (of 9 or 10) and I LOVE it. Plus, the narrator does the most amazing irish, welsh, british and pirate accents. Basically it is about an orphan girl in the late 1700's who cuts her hair short and becomes a shipsboy to live a life of adventure on the high seas.
The associates and partners at work seem geniunely excited to see me. Seriously, everybody has been so nice and enthusiastic to have me back and that makes me feel special. Granted, maybe the warmth of the welcome is due to the fact that there is now another person to take on projects, but I like to think it is because I have been missed for my clever wit and enchanting personality.
Paul is calm and collected when I am panicked and stressed. In fact, the more whacked out I act, the more he seems to like me, which is totally weird but sweet. He doesn't tell me to "suck it up princess" which is probably what I would say to myself if I were in his shoes. I've apologized to him in advance for any moments where I lose my temper in the upcoming weeks and I've warned him that he better take over his share of doing the dishes (which he did tonight even without me saying anything about it, bless him).

The only other thing of note around here is that we have all of our Christmas decorations up now. I think that the tree looks very nice with all of our ornaments on it that we have collected from around the world. I took these photos before we got Clara's name embroidered on her stocking.

Christmas Tree Farm

2011-11-29T15:26:00.000-08:00

The Friday after Thanksgiving, we drove up to the Santa Cruz mountains to get our Christmas tree. We left around 9:30 and there were already cars heading down the mountain with trees loaded on top. I think this is a tradition for a lot of folks in this area since there are so many Christmas tree farms to choose from and they are all so close by. We had gorgeous weather again although we dressed in jackets and sweatshirts since the air was cool.

The views were stunning looking back over the reservoir and down into the San Jose valley. This was maybe 15-20 minutes from our home and it is incredible to me that we can live in the tenth largest city in America and yet we can be up in these gorgeous mountains for hiking and camping within just minutes of leaving our house. Clara, Paul and I look super matchy-matchy in these photos, but I didn't actually plan that this time.

I don't think I have mentioned on here that Clara LOVES riding up on our shoulders. She laughs and talks and kicks and has so much fun up there. Then she starts grabbing at hair and sticking it in her mouth and we always end up with wet spots where she has sucked on our hair (so gross). My dad carried her around like this for a lot of the morning.

I didn't realize until later that Paul was wearing his woodcutter shirt from the Little Red Riding Hood story. He is so funny.

My parents are so cute and it has been fun to see them as grandparents, first with Emma and now with Clara and Lily. My dad always says "hey cute girl" to Clara when he picks her up and my mom has a magic way of talking to little kids where they just think that she is the most interesting, fun person alive basically.

If I am totally honest, cutting down my own Christmas tree is not my favorite tradition. I like being out in nature and all and everything smelled so good up there, but I sort of just feel super guilty sawing one of these living things down to take him, stick in my house for a month and toss it away. For some reason, I feel less bad about the whole tradition when I just pick out a tree from Home Depot. I guess I just like to let other people do my dirty work for me. Plus, there were just SO MANY trees to choose from - hundreds all over the mountainside - and it was tough figuring out which would be a good one. It stressed me out, especially since my personality and approach would be to look at every single tree, then go back to the very first one I had spotted and just take it whereas Paul's approach is to get out of the car and immediately set in asking me "how 'bout this one?" like it is time to get down to business and start sawing away.

We were just missing Jennie for this picture. We wish that she could have come too, but she spent Thanksgiving with her husband's family in Idaho this year.

My dad cracks me up. I think that he was joking that he was going to catch the tree and then when it actually started toppling he was in the way and had to put up his arms in surprise and holler in self-defense.

I would like to point out that Paul, my U of U law grad, is wearing a BYU hat here. We all know where his true loyalties lie. Also, my dad is a hip grandpa who wears his hat backwards. I love that.

Clara with her Aunt Jessica. It is SO much fun having her home from her mission. She read a lot while she was out here and gave me some great book recommendations. My dad took all of us to Barnes & Noble when he finished the novel he had brought with him and told me and Jessica to each pick out a book we wanted and he would buy it for us - I got the first Percy Jackson book at Jessica's recommendation and it is so good so far. I have gotten used to listening to audiobooks while I drive and I needed the example of her and my dad sticking their noses in books to remind me how much I love it and how I come from a family of readers and lovers of literature.

We loaded the tree into the bed of Paul's truck. I was surprised that it only cost $50 when we went to pay for it. That doesn't seem like a bad price for a super fresh tree that we still had to cut shorter when we got home so that it would fit in our living room.

Paul put the lights on the tree the next night and Clara was pretty interested in them. We have always done red Christmas lights because they are different and festive and it is what I grew up with, but I am sort of thinking about trying white lights next year, just for a change.

Thanksgiving Day

2011-11-29T14:17:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving dawned bright and glorious here in San Jose. Paul spent the day putting up Christmas lights on the roof, cleaning the gutters, and doing other projects around the house. I spent the morning in the kitchen making our Thanksgiving dinner. Actually though, Paul put together the pumpkin pie and my mom put together the banana cream pie. I just made the apple pie and the crusts for the other two, and Paul says that nobody eats the crusts anyway. I also made the Lion House dinner rolls and the turkey using the recipe and tutorial from Our Best Bites. As a special treat, Clara got to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. She was in heaven.

Paul carved the turkey in one of my aprons. This is actually the apron he has claimed for himself, it being the least ruffly of all my aprons. He is hoping for a "man apron" for Christmas, whatever that is.

We had rolls with jam, green beans, mashed potatoes & gravy, sweet potatoes, turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, Martinelli's, and fruit salad. Clara ate her Thanksgiving dinner of a Turkey & Squash puree for lunch, and while everybody else was eating their dinner, she gnoshed on three chunks of boiled yam that I had reserved from the sweet potatoes before all the butter, brown sugar, and marshmallows were added. She seemed to really love it and ate all three chunks with no problem. It was so much fun having my parents and sister out here with us for the holiday. They hadn't seen Clara since she was 3 months old and she has changed a lot since then so they especially liked being able to play with her.

Clara had been taking a nice long nap just prior to dinner. We had actually just started sitting down to the table when she woke up so I went and got her. This is how she looks right after waking up - happy and groggy.

I have got to do something with the wall behind me in this picture. It is so barren and blah. We had a canvas print made to go here but I want to get some white frames from Ikea and put additional family photos in them and make some sort of collage or something here, I just haven't done it yet.

Review of the dinner: the turkey could have cooked a little longer because it was too moist in my opinion, even though the thermometer said it was done and the timer thing had popped up, but the flavor was amazing - must have been the sage butter and brining it for 24 hours in advance. Stovetop stuffing is still my favorite, even though it isn't homemade. Everyone else at the table admitted the same thing except my mom. I love jellied cranberry sauce but Paul doesn't. Paul discovered that after years of thinking he hated sweet potatoes that he actually liked these ones. The green beans were excellent and the rolls turned out soft and buttery. Overall, I would say that the meal was a success for my first time hosting Thanksgiving at our place.

Clara Jane at 6 months old

2011-11-25T22:48:00.000-08:00

I cannot believe how much she has grown in these last six months. She is still our petite little miss but goodness gracious is she ever looking like a little girl with her hair that touches her shoulders and just generally being so much bigger than when I first held her in my arms! Clara has been sleeping soundly through the night for almost a month now. Usually she goes to sleep between 7:30 and 8:30 and doesn't wake up until about 6:30 to 7:00 the next morning. Every now and then she will wake up at 4:00 a.m. and think it is time to play, but I just bring her into bed with me and Paul groggily throws his arm over both of us and we all fall back asleep together. She always wakes up happy, whether it if from her night's sleep or any one of her daytime naps. She goes to sleep happy too - I never have to let her cry herself to sleep because she when she starts rubbing her bleary eyes I know that she is ready even if she has been laughing like a maniac a couple seconds before.

And speaking of her laughing - Clara-girl has decided that her parents are hilarious. We get the best laughs out of her when we either blow raspberries on her tummy or when I do a humiliating Maori war dance for her while she is sitting in her high chair. Her laugh is usually a kind of a bark or a chortle - like a burst of a "hah!" or "heh-heh" rather than a rolling continuous laugh.

Clara kicks her feet like crazy when we get her ready for her bath or take her on walks outside. She swats at her bottle, our faces and shoulders, or at spoonfuls of food. She is a wonderful eater and likes pretty much everything except for beets. I feed her solids two to three times per day and her favorite flavors seem to be the savory ones, especially the meat blends like Vegetable Beef or Chicken with Squash.

Clara will do anything to watch the television if it is on. She will arch her back and contort her body and watch upside down if she has to - as long as the tv is on and she is in the room, it is her number one priority in life to see what is on the screen. It exasperates me because I am still maintaining my "no television for babies" stance. Usually Paul and I just never turn the tv on until after she goes to bed, so it is not a huge deal though.

Clara's favorite toys are Dolly, ribbons or cords (if it even remotely resembles a cord she wants to put it in her mouth), her musical turtle, and her stacking cups. She seems to enjoy being read to, but her favorite books seem to be the peek-a-boo type books, particularly a Thanksgiving peek-a-boo book about the first Thanksgiving.

Clara started crawling the day after she turned six months old officially. She had been army crawling for a while before then, but now she is up on her hands and knees. She is getting more and more adventurous each day and has followed me into the kitchen and ventured out into the hallway from one of the bedrooms when she got bored of playing with toys in there while I was curling my hair the other day.

We just love her so much.

Clara Jane Gets In The Christmas Spirit

2011-11-25T08:03:00.000-08:00

Confession: I am afraid that I may be a little more Scrooge than Santa when it comes to some of the things that get most people in the Christmas spirit. Christmas music, for example, kind of drives me up the wall (except for classical music like the score for "The Nutcracker"). It gives me the heebie-jeebies that there are radio stations that play Christmas music non-stop for a month straight. However, for some reason, this year I have been ridiculously excited for Christmas since the day after Halloween. I can't even help myself. Clara woke up from a nap on November 1st and as I was rocking her I suddenly found myself singing "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" and dreaming about Christmases from my past. What is it about a baby that brings back the Christmas magic that you thought you lost long ago?

Anyway, I don't have any hard-and-fast opinions on when Christmas decorations should go up and when Christmas music should be played. I figure the tree should go up when it is most convenient. I remember decorating my parents tree just a day or two before Christmas in the past. But this year little splashes of red or snippets of holiday melody have been popping up around our home for a while now and it is just the day after Thanksgiving. I bought Clara three Christmas Books (Twas the Night Before Christmas, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, and Snowmen at Christmas) and have been reading them to her every day.

On Wednesday my parents and sister were driving into town. While Paul was at work in the morning (he only worked until noon the day before Thanksgiving) and before my family arrived, I dressed Clara in her red velvet pants with cream-and-gold blouse that it dotted with red flowers and adorned with a red ribbon. Then I stuck her reindeer antler headband on her little noggin' and took photos of her with her holiday friends (including baby Jesus from the Little People nativity set that Clara loves playing with - only you can't see baby Jesus as well in the photos because Clara kept ~~chewing on~~ kissing him).

This has to be my new favorite photo of Paul and Clara together. They just adore each other so much. Her fancy pants are still a little too large for her so they kept slipping down when she crawled around and then she would end up standing on them like she is here.

My mom and sister were elated to see Clarabelle since the last time they saw her was when we were in Utah at the end of August when Clara was just 3 months old.

After my family unloaded their bags (and the bigger Christmas presents that they brought out with them since Paul and I won't be able to take them back on the plane with us in December) and we grabbed lunch at La Victoria Taqueria (my favorite), we headed over to the mall to take photos with Santa. Unfortunately, Santa was out to lunch when we got there are 2:30 so we did a little browsing before we got in line. I felt so bad because it was WAY past Clara's nap time and the poor thing was SO sleepy. After we took the photos she just laid her wee head on my shoulder and rested with only an occasional kick of a leg compared to her typical churning heels she was that tired.

Clara liked looking at the Christmas ornaments while we were waiting in line. I have a feeling that now that she can crawl that she is going to be making a beeline for our Christmas tree and yanking off any ornament she can reach.

My friend from church recommended that we go to the Santa at Oakridge Mall instead of the Santa at Valley Fair. He was awesome. He had actual ringlets in his beard, which was real. He talked with Clara and was so friendly and kind. I didn't see a single kid cry with him. Paul stood outside the photo area and took pictures from behind the "no photography beyond this point" signs. I'm glad he captured these images of Clara meeting Santa because she just gazed at him for a little bit before turning and posing for the camera with a dreamy look in her eye.

And here is her first official photo with Santa Claus.

Let the Christmas season begin!

Turkey Day Prep

2011-11-23T12:02:00.000-08:00

This morning Clara and I hit the grocery store at 8:00. She was still in her jammies and I hadn't done my hair or makeup (or even brushed my teeth yet - so gross, I know) but I wanted to go at a time when I wouldn't have to wait in any lines and I was trying to get everything before Clara needed to go down for her morning nap. She looks so tired in these photos but oh-so-cute in her jim-jams. This was her first time ever sitting in the cart instead of me just carrying her around or sticking her carseat in the cart. She did well but I need to get one of those cover things that I see all the moms with these days. Mom - take note, that is a good Christmas present idea.

We bought everything we needed for our Thanksgiving dinner: vegetables, potatoes (yam and russet), marshmallows for the sweet potatoes, turkey, etc.

And now she is taking a nap and I am blogging while we wait for Grandpa Russ, Grandma Cici and Aunt Jessica to get here!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Today in Highs and Lows

2011-11-21T17:46:00.000-08:00

High: Clara slept through the night.

Low: I somehow still woke up feeling exhausted.

High: Clara crawled (officially crawled, not just army-style!) halfway across the living room rug to get to ME instead of a toy.

Low: 45 minutes later I had to take her to the doctor's office to get 4 shots where she sobbed pretty much the entire visit even before the shots started because she was having anxiety about the nurse and the doctor.

High: Clara is growing really well (15 lbs. 9.5 oz. now!) and the doctor continues to proclaim that she is perfect. Also, when she was crying at the doctor's office she wrapped her tiny arms around my neck and clutched at my hair.

Low: I then had to get a flu shot of my own. Clara had no sympathy for me but did stop crying at this point.

High: Clara napped for 2 hours while I ran errands at Target (found a super darling work shirt for $6 - will have to post a photo at some point), returned library books and audiobooks, and dropped off our Comcast cable box (we decided we don't need all the extra channels and are trying to cut back on our TV viewing anyway, plus it will save loads of moolah, which is always nice).

Low: All I ate for lunch was leftover greenbeans from dinner last night. guh.

High: I got a letter back from the state of California saying they are finally going to pay me my Family & Medical Leave Act pay for the last five weeks after I wrote them an ~~nasty~~ explanatory letter about how their decision that I didn't qualify for the pay was wrong a couple weeks ago. In my letter, I may have emphasized multiple times that I am a lawyer, but I doubt that mattered.

Low: At 2:00 I had to go meet with an accountant who is helping us straighten out some issues with the IRS. Getting audited makes me frowny. I'm not sure if it is a full-fledge audit or what, but either way, Paul is having to dig out info from 2009 and 2010 in order to avoid having to pay more money to the government that we would rather put toward our next adoption fund.

High: I finally caved and made the chocolate chip cookies I have been craving for two weeks now.

Low: I finally caved and made the chocolate chip cookies I have been craving for two weeks now.

High: I washed three sinkloads of dishes. Yes, they were piled all over the place and yes I was disgusted with myself. I ate my breakfast using a plastic spoon this morning.

Low: Ali & Roberto from The Bachelorette split up. (Just kidding, I don't really care of about this. But they did actually split up.)

How was your Thanksgiving week Monday?

Clara's Day in Court (aka, Finalization)

2011-11-18T22:44:00.000-08:00

This morning we went to court to finalize Clara's adoption. It was amazing. Now she's a bona fide Nash! In all seriousness, it was such a special, incredible experience. The day started early: I actually set an alarm to wake up at 6:00 a.m. for the first time since May (thank goodness Clara is sleeping through the night now!). Clara woke up around 6:45 and by then Paul and I were close enough to being ready that we tag-teamed getting her dressed, fed, and putting her hair in her signature pigtails so we could leave by 7:15.

I was glad that we got to the courthouse early because it meant we were able to take photos outside before most other people started showing up. Clara was in a great mood and looked so darling in the yellow cardigan and floral dress my mom bought for her. Paul and I dressed our lawyerliest (partially at my insistence that I could not bring myself to go in front of a judge without a suit jacket - it would just be too weird for me.)

After taking photos outside the Santa Clara Superior Court, we went through security.

The Court had put together a little program for all of the families having their adoptions finalized today in celebration of National Adoption Month. There were 35 children being adopted by 28 families. It was so amazing to be a part of that. There were children being adopted through the foster care system, little twin girls from India who were probably 18 months old, and our little Clara who was the youngest child there. There were a couple of short messages delivered by judges and adoption advocates. Then we were all dismissed to the various courtrooms we had been assigned to.

We went to Department 10 on the 4th floor for our finalization hearing before Judge Valencia in his chambers. Clara fell asleep just as we were getting on the elevator and took a little 10-15 minute catnap while we waited in the courtroom for a family that was in line ahead of us to meet with the judge.

In addition to me, Paul and Clara, the other people who were present included the judge, his bailiff, a clerk, the court reporter, and a volunteer who took care of our paperwork for us and took our photos with the judge after the hearing was over. Judge Valencia commented on Clara's purple shoes. The hearing only took about 15 minutes. We went on the record and I held Clara on my lap while Paul and I took the Oath. The judge asked us about our adoption expense report, we signed some paperwork, and then the judge asked us to repeat the following after him:

We, Paul and Amy,

Solemnly swear to treat Clara

In all respects as our natural child.

We are prepared to accept

This gift of a child to raise.

We will share our lives with her,

Help to mold her mind,

Nurture her body,

And enrich her spirit.

We will never betray her trust,

Dampen her hopes, or

Discourage her dreams.

We make this commitment willingly.

We will cherish Clara

All the days of our lives.

I could hear Paul holding back the emotion in his voice as we repeated the words after the judge said them. All I could do was just smile. Clara started chattering along with us - she has been making very purposeful noises lately like she is actually attempting words and conversation rather than just emitting random baby noises - and I smiled even bigger. And just like that, we were legally made into a family. We were a family before, but this felt special and important. It felt right. And I was thanking my lucky stars and my Father in Heaven for the blessing of today and of Clara and of Paul and Kayli and adoption and so many other things that make life so wonderful.

Afterwards the judge invited us to take photos with him in his chambers. He even asked if he could hold Clara for a bit. I was so glad that her stranger anxiety didn't kick in because she had been in such a great mood the entire morning. Instead, she seemed pretty fascinated by the judge's mustache and kept trying to touch his face. Funny girl.

While our volunteer went to wait in line to file the adoption decree with the court, Paul and I joined the other families for a post-finalization refreshments and a celebration where each child was given a blanket donated by Project Linus (we chose a white and yellow crocheted throw that is really darling), a stuffed animal, and a balloon. We left the courthouse by about 10:15 so that Paul could change clothes before heading to the office.

I can't hit "publish" on this post without inviting you to link over to Kayli's blog to read her take on finalization that she posted this morning. She is amazing. She is our angel and my hero. I hope she knows that.

I've used enough superlatives for one blog post, but let me just sum up today by saying that I felt so much love for our perfect, happy, intelligent and beautiful little girl. Looking forward to December and eternity now...

Auburn, CA

2011-11-15T13:57:00.000-08:00

This past weekend we drove out to Placer County to visit our good friends, the Millers, who just moved to Auburn from the Bay Area. Auburn is GORGEOUS. Honestly, I probably told Paul 20 times over the weekend that I want to move there too. We didn't get away until late Friday night because Paul had a project come up at work that kept him at the office until 8:00 p.m. on Veteran's Day, but it was so fun to finally arrive at almost midnight and get the tour of our friends' beautiful new home.

Saturday morning we went for a long walk looking at trails, bridges, homes and the American River, and we even went through an open house in Jason & Ginny's neighborhood (I was pretty serious about wanting to move there - it is an awesome area). Auburn is at the heart of gold country so there are all these little old town centers from the mid to late 1800's.

We ate "Rat Trap" sandwiches for lunch at a place called "The Cheese Shop" in downtown Newcastle, which used to be a packing and loading station in the late 1800's and early 1900's for fruit grown in the area that was shipped back to the east coast. Clara and Max rode in the backseat of Jason & Ginny's Flex together whenever we drove somewhere and they were so cute back there.

Clara is looking a little uncertain about the lack of adult supervision back there.

In the afternoon Jason and Paul went shopping (at Home Depot) and did house projects while Ginny and I took care of the kids, put them down for naps, looked at photo albums and just visited.

That evening we went to Old Town Auburn to walk around and explore the cute shops and then on to downtown Auburn to eat dinner at a mongolian barbeque place. The Placer County Courthouse is in Old Town Auburn and it has to be one of the most picturesque places I have seen outside of Europe.

Our friends with their 3 year old Ollie.

Paul kept Clara warm near this fire pit in downtown Auburn.

This was Clara's first time riding in an umbrella stroller that we borrowed from our friends. It was awesome and so much more convenient than her huge travel system Graco stroller. I think she may have to get one of these for Christmas or something.

I just adore all of the leaves on the sidewalk during the fall.

There is a huge statue of a gold miner in Old Town Auburn that can be seen from I-80. Clara posed as a little nugget of gold for this photo.

Paul set his camera on a bush to take a couple of group photos of us in front of the miner statue.

On Sunday Ginny made us some amazing crepes with nutella and bananas for breakfast and we all went to church together. Ginny is one of those friends who makes the most amazing food. Seriously, I think I ask for a recipe for something she makes almost every time we are at her house. I credit her with such favorites around the House of Nash as Chocolate Lava Cakes, Black Bean & Avocado Salsa, and my favorite cheesy potatoes ever.

It was so fun to see our friends who we miss so much even though they just moved a few weeks ago. We're glad that at least they aren't too far away so hopefully we can visit again soon!

Clara had fun playing with the fire truck when the boys were distracted.

Feeling the pressure

2011-11-15T07:45:00.000-08:00

I go back to work in 2 weeks. TWO WEEKS! Blurg. I wish I felt differently but to be honest, I'm fighting back a rising panic and my anxiety levels are through the roof. Paul has heard way too much preemptive whining on my part about how hard it is going to be. I want to just enjoy this time and not freak out about how Clara will do in daycare, but the past two times I took her to the gym with me it was pretty rough. As in, she cried so much that the staff came and got me off the treadmill both times because she wouldn't calm down. Which at first seemed totally weird since I have been taking her to the gym on a regular basis since she was 6 weeks old and she never had any problems with it before. But then, I know that she is reaching the stage where separation anxiety kicks in and that it is totally normal fo tiny tots to experience it and that she will be just fine. Paul and I are going on our first childless date this Saturday (to our ward holiday dinner for adults only) and we have hired a babysitter, so we will see how that goes.

The thing is, Clara doesn't cry. Like, ever. She fusses when she gets hungry but it never even comes close to a wail. So when I have handed her over to friends recently and her little lower lip starts to quiver and her eyes fill with tears of betrayal, I seriously feel like the worst parent in the world. What kind of monster am I that I would take the happiest baby ever and intentionally do something (like let somebody else hold her) that would make her sad? I'm just praying that she gets over the anxiety quickly.

I find myself racing to complete projects in my remaining time off work:

finish making Christmas presents for my nieces and nephews (why did I decide to hand sew the most darling elephants you've ever seen for each of them? I should have just bought them each a book.)
finish Christmas shopping for everybody else (I'm getting close to being done, thank goodness. Paul and I love making lists of each person we are getting gifts for and writing our idea next to their names. It is one of those little traditions that we have developed that has become one of my favorite things.)
make a whole bunch of meals to put in the freezer for when I go back to work so I have one less thing to stress about (we just bought a stand-up freezer on Craigslist for our garage so that we have more space in our freezer, so if anybody has any good recipes or links to recipes that freeze well, please send them my way! Especially if you have good crockpot meals where you can throw all the ingredients in a freezer bag so that I can just empty the bag into the crockpot as I am heading out the door for work.)
finish making my blog books (I'm using Blurb to make books of all of my posts from previous years, which is something I have been wanting to do for a long time. Turns out it is more time-consuming than I would have thought but I have to finish by November 30th so I can use my 20% off coupon.)

Then there are all the smaller things like cleaning the house, fulfilling my new calling (did I mention on here that I was just called to be the 2nd Counselor in Young Womens' in my ward? Happy dance!), blogging, ordering Christmas cards, decorating for the holidays, straightening up the office, etc. Gosh, I'm overwhelmed just thinking about all of it. I keep making mental lists of all this stuff in my head and then remembering tasks that I forgot to add to the mental list and I know I am going to drop the ball somewhere and miss Clara's next doctor's appointment or leave the drycleaning at the cleaner's for a month or something.

I actually sat down to write about our fun weekend and post cute photos but look what just spewed out. And now Clara is awake so I need to feed her and then get ready super fast for 9:00 a.m. visiting teaching. And Paul came back into the house and told me that his truck was vandalized last night (a section of pipe underneath his truck was cut off I guess - the same thing happened to one of our friends in Utah Paul says) and he needed to take my car to work today so I am without transportation. Cute photos about fun times coming later I guess.

Heaven help me, today feels like it is going to be one of those days.

Finalization and photos

2011-11-09T21:18:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I got word from the court that they received the report required from our adoption agency for us to schedule finalization of Clara's adoption. Good thing too since I have been calling the probate clerk every morning and afternoon since last Thursday when our caseworker told us she had sent the report. We are especially excited that we are just in time to be part of the court's big event for National Adoption Day. Normally adoptions are finalized on Tuesdays in our county but since National Adoption Day is Saturday, November 19th, the court is pulling in extra judges and scheduling families for finalization the day before, on November 18th, to celebrate adoption.

The other really exciting thing about finally having a finalization date is that we are now able to schedule a date to take Clara to the temple with us and be sealed as a family. For those who are not members of our church, please feel free to email me or visit mormon.org if you have questions about what a sealing is and why it is so meaningful to us. Clara will be sealed to us on Tuesday, December 27, 2011 and we are so looking forward to that day.

And speaking of our little girl, is she looking darling and so big these days or what?

I bought her these little mesh pouch things attached to plastic rings that I can put slices of apple, blueberries, grapes, bananas or whatever in and she can chow down on it without getting pieces of food that are too large for her. Plus, the ring is so much easier for her to handle than the slippery food. This is her new favorite thing.

"Mom, stop taking pictures of me - I'm focused on eating a Honeycrisp here!"

The other night I read one too many books and sang one too many songs to Clarabelle and she ended up asleep in my arms, which hasn't happened for a while. Our pediatrician says that it is best to put her to bed while she is still awake so that she can learn to go to sleep on her own and we have been pretty good about sticking to that. But she was so sleepy that she just drifted off. I whispered to Paul over the baby monitor to bring the camera in and take these photos of her.

I have all these random photos of Clara on my computer from the last few weeks, so I might as well keep going. I thought it was so sweet how she was sitting on the couch next to Paul "reading" her book while Paul was ~~surfing the internet~~ working. Paul's mixing of plaids is cute, right?

And finally, I was putting the Halloween decorations the other day and decided to take some photos of Clara with our big spider. Paul and I stick this spider all over our house during the month of October in an attempt to scare each other (in the shower, in each other's closets, over Clara's crib, etc.). Clara wasn't scared a bit even when I stuck the spider right on top of her.

Q & A

2011-11-05T10:23:00.000-07:00

I need to respond to some questions we have received about adoption and other topics. This may not be the most exciting of posts, but here goes ...

Adoption

I was asked if we would post our birthparent letter that we included in our profile on the itsaboutlove website. I won't post the entirety of the letter here, but everything that was in our birthparent letter is included on our adoption blog under the "Letter to a Birthparent", "Our Story", "About Paul", and "About Amy" pages. We added some extra detail and photos for the blog, but our birthparent letter was a condensed version of the information there. It was important to us to keep the letter shorter than two typewritten pages.

Another question that was asked of us is how we handled the whole "working mom" thing with the adoption profile and with Kayli. For those who don't know, when filling out the adoption profile on LDS family services, there is a spot where you check a box for each parent as to their expected employment status post-adoption. I debated over what to do because birthmoms can enter search criteria that will elminate any couple from consideration if the wife plans to work at all post-baby. I asked adoptive friends about it, we prayed about it, I asked our caseworker about it, and ultimately, we checked the bottom saying that I would stay at home post-adoption with the plan that I would bring up my career plans with any potential birthmom who contacted us so that we were being completely forthright. In the end, I don't think Kayli used that search criteria at all in her decision (I know that she did narrow her search for couples where both the husband and wife were returned missionaries though).

We talked with Kayli about my career plans in our first phone conversation and she wasn't taken aback or shocked by anything because she already knew how much I valued education and what I did for work already. Plus, it helped that Kayli had been a nanny and her mom (like a LOT of moms) had worked for at least some portion of the time while she was raising kids. All that said, I have since read a number of blog posts about birthmoms who really respected the wife who planned to maintain a career in order to protect and provide for her family along with her husband. Also, the plain honest truth is that adoptions are very costly and if a couple wants to have more than one child, the simple fact of the matter is that often the wife is going to need to keep working so that the family can save up for future adoptions, even after their first one goes through. Adoptions outside of LDS Family Services regularly cost $25k to $45k, even if they are not international adoptions, and that isn't exactly a sum that most of us have lying around in the bank without some significant planning and sacrifice.

Childcare

I was asked how far in advance we started looking at childcare providers for Clara and the answer is not very far. In fact, when we first brought Clara home, I told everybody who asked that I absolutely was not going to even think about that for the first four months of my maternity leave. I just wanted to enjoy my time with our wee babe (who is not so wee anymore at almost 5 1/2 months!) without stressing over the fact that at some point, I would have to be separated from her for a portion of the day while I went into the office and someone else fed her lunch and put her down for a nap. Luckily, because there are so many working moms in our area, it was easy to find good referrals and I really just started looking into childcare for Clara a couple of weeks ago, around the 5 month mark.

Camera & Lenses

The number one question that we get asked over and over is what kind of camera and lens do we use for the photos that we post on the blog. We own a Canon EOS 5d Mark II and we totally love it. I shoot almost everything with our 24-105mm lens, but we also own a good telephoto lens and a wide angle lens that Paul pulls out for scenic or wildlife shots. The telephoto lens is crazy fun because you can zoom so far and get so much insane detail. We also own a 50mm lens, but we didn't buy the same quality of lens as our other three lenses and the difference is so obvious that neither of us bother with the 50mm lens.

Our camera and lenses were a huge investment and I used to have to promise on pain of death that I would not let any harm come to the camera before Paul would feel comfortable with me taking it anywhere on my own. He still requires that I wear the camera strap around my neck when taking pictures and he grimaces every time I hand the camera over to a stranger for a family photo because they never take the same precautions against dropping the precious equipment. I was worried spending so much on a camera, but surprisingly, I have never felt any buyer's remorse. It helped that Paul scoured the internet looking for deals for months before he finally made the purchase. We bought it during law school with money we earned during our 2L summer. However, we typically recommend against buying the Canon EOS 5d Mark II unless people already have a background in photography because it is a whole lotta machine and the Canon Rebel models are a better introductory DSLR camera at a much more reasonable price point for beginners.

General Photography

Another photography related question we sometimes get is whether we have any tips for taking high quality photos. The answer is yes, and they don't all have to do with buying an expensive camera. But first I should make the disclaimer that neither of us are professional photographers and we are entirely self-taught, so I don't have any technical explanation for apertures and f-stops and stuff like that which just gets me confused.

The very first thing I learned about was the rule of thirds. It improved my photos dramatically. I won't explain it here, but if you just google "photography rule of thirds" you will get tons of hits with good examples. Many cameras like the Canon G7 Powershot (our little point-n-click camera that I used to use all the time but don't use so much anymore now that I am better with the 5d) have a feature where you can actually turn on a grid that divides the screen in thirds both vertically and horizontally. I used that feature for a few months, lining up subjects on one of the grid lines in order to break the bad habit of centering on every single photo. Our family photo from Hawaii that we took from the tripod on a timer is a good example of following the rule of thirds. The sky takes up the top 1/3 and the land takes up the bottom 2/3 of the photo, while we are standing to the left of the photo rather than dead center of the shot. It is just a lot more visually appealing.

Our second trick to getting good photos is actually in the editing phase. We actually shoot in "camera RAW" format, which has to be "developed" on the computer before we can post anything to the blog, similar to how actual film has to be developed. As part of that process, I tend to use Photoshop to make a few color corrections by increasing the blacks (just a little) and sometimes touching up the brightness or temperature of the photo. I've seen tons of photographers go WAY too far with these editing features, but when used well they can really improve an image that somehow didn't turn out quite as colorful or bright as you remembered the actual thing as being. There are free photo editing programs (like Picasa) out there that can do similar things on a much more limited scale that I used when I started out to get the feel of how to edit photos before switching to Photoshop, which is more complicated but gives the editor much more control over the development process.

My last tip is straightforward: take more photos. I mean this in two ways. One is that the more you practice, the better your photos will get. The second way is that if you take 10 shots of an image rather than 1 shot, you are going to increase the chances that one of your shots will turn out good. This is especially helpful when working with people.

That's it for the Q & A session friends. Yay for Saturdays, right? I am almost done taking down Halloween decorations but got distracted taking photos of Clara with our giant black spider and giddily reciting "Little Miss Muffet, sat on a tuffet..." for her while Paul is off at a Scout service project.

Journaling, Napa Valley, Halloween Footnote, & the Aquarium

2011-11-02T15:10:00.000-07:00

I don't consider this blog my journal. Honestly, I don't. As much as I love recording things, it turns out that I am terrible at keeping a journal. I start 'em and write for a few days before I give up because I hate my handwriting. Lame, huh? But I love when I stumble across old journals with a few pages of ramblings here and there and get a little glimpse into my past. Blogging does help fill some of the void that my inability to maintain a journal leaves though, and so every now and then you might see a post like today's.

Last Saturday Paul and I woke up early and discovered that for once we had no plans for the weekend! With that realization, we quickly packed a daybag for Clara, hopped in the car and headed out for Napa Valley and Bodega Bay. The drive through gold and green vineyards heavy with black grapes was lovely. Many of the leaves on the vines are changing colors to rust and orange and plum and it was the perfect way to spend a fall day. I wish we had photos, but we just never pulled out the camera, and honestly, when you take as many photos as we do, sometimes it is nice to enjoy the moment and capture it only in your mind's eye. No photo we could have taken would have done the true thing justice anyway and besides, it gives us one more reason to do the drive again. We stopped for lunch at Gott's Roadside in St. Helena and had the absolute best chocolate shake I have ever tasted with our lunch. The onion rings and my chicken club sandwich were pretty insane too. After wandering through the shops on St. Helena's main thoroughfare, we drove out to Bodega Bay (where Alfred Hitchcock filmed "The Birds") before heading home. Bodega Bay was a big disappointment, and we won't do it again.

Then on Monday, my law school friend Dorothy flew out to stay with us for a few days with her 2 1/2 year old daughter Summer. I bullied Dorothy into taking Summer trick-or-treating with me and Clara and honestly, I had so much fun. Dorothy had left Summer's costume in Utah, so I just tied my coin skirt from Istanbul around her waist and draped two huge leis around her neck and we were off. I rediscovered how much I love trick-or-treating this year when we would walk up to a house decorated with orange lights, skeletons and glowing pumpkins and an elderly couple would answer the door together with jack-o-lantern grins on their faces.

Our neighborhood has a nice mix of older couples who have lived in these homes since they were built in the late 50's and young couples who have recently moved in. I realized how much joy these older neighbors who don't have kids in their homes anymore must feel to participate in Halloween and have the neighborhood kids ring their doorbells and engage in even the smallest of conversations with them. That kind of interaction doesn't happen nearly enough, I realized with chagrin while we were trick-or-treating, and I felt love for the two grandpas who live in the houses across the street from us and bring us plums from their yards in the summer and pick up our mail for us while we are on vacation. Anyway, enough about Halloween for this year. I can't wait for Clara to actually be able to toddle up to their doors next year and hold her own bucket. It will be darling, I just know it.

Finally, I have a few photos from the Monterey Bay Aquarium that I took yesterday. Dorothy and I drove down there with the girls and spent the afternoon looking at eels, hammerhead sharks, penguins, starfish, bluefin tuna, and jellyfish. Clara was entranced; absolutely fascinated. (Sorry for the quality of these photos - all I had was my iPhone.)

There is one huge room with a two-story clear wall running the entire length of the room called "The Open Ocean" where you watch schools of fish swim against a blue backdrop. There are no fake rocks or plants or anything else in the exhibit, just tons of water and fish and it really feels like you are 50 feet or more below the surface in the middle of a vast ocean. Clara just stared and stared as hammerheads and stingrays floated past us or schools of sardines glittered by en masse. I want to go again with Paul so he can see how much she loved it. The room was super dark though, so none of my photos turned out from that exhibit.

These three eels were super colorful and super gross. Eels creep me out.

My little pearl.

I even helped Clara touch her first starfish.

See the leopard shark swimming toward Dorothy's head? There were loads of them in this exhibit called "The Kelp Forest".

So, yeah, lots has been going on and we have been having fun times around here.

One last thing: November is National Adoption Month! You know how important adoption is around here, so we can't let it pass without mentioning how great the world of adoption is. We hope to have some really good adoption-related posts for you this month, so stay tuned and if anyone out there has any questions about adoption in general, our adoption plans for the future, or Clara's adoption, now is the time to leave a comment and we will see what we can do to answer them.

Chocolate Mint Oreo Cupcakes (and Clara not napping)

2011-10-29T21:44:00.000-07:00

We had our ward's trunk-or-treat on Friday night and I had signed up to make 2 dozen cupcakes for the event. I also made the mistake of buying mint oreos while at the grocery store the day before, momentarily forgetting that Paul doesn't eat them and I have no self-control. So I decided to use them up by making these cupcakes, which I came up with on my own. I had a couple of people ask me for the recipe, so I figured I would post it here.

I used a very sharp knife to cut my mint oreos in half. I put the half of each oreo in the bottom of a cupcake liner (I ate the ones that didn't cut cleanly and broke apart - good plan, huh?). Then I made a devil's food cake from a cake mix and poured it into the cupcake liners on top of the mint oreo cookie and baked them like normal. After cooling, I topped them with a mint frosting made with 4 oz. of cream cheese, 1/3 cup of softened butter, 3 1/2 to 4 cups of powdered sugar, 1 tsp of vanilla and maybe 1/4 to 1/2 tsp of peppermint extract (a little goes a long way and I didn't want these to be too minty). I mixed those ingredients together first then added milk a little at a time until the frosting was a good consistency for frosting the cupcakes. After frosting, I stuck the remaining mint oreo halves on top. Tah-dah! That's it! And they tasted awesome, if I do say so myself. Paul didn't even get a chance to taste them because I took them all to the ward trunk-or-treat (except for the one that I tasted to make sure they weren't disgusting) and they were gone before we ever even made it to the dessert table.

I tried to make the cupcakes right after I put Clara down for a nap. She wasn't very interested in naptime though, as you can tell from this baby monitor image. Note that the orange light on the left side of the monitor indicates her volume: loud.

I went in and found her peeking through the bars of her crib at me like this.

So instead, I pulled her out and we Skyped with Grandma so that Clara could show off how good she is at getting in crawling position. I found her onesie at Old Navy - isn't it darling?

On being a mom and an impending return to the office

2011-10-26T20:48:00.000-07:00

I don't know that I have any eloquent or life-altering thoughts on motherhood as a whole, but I want to remember some of the thoughts and feelings I have been having as a new mom, kind of like how I do a monthly post about Clara's growth and milestones.

I should probably start out by stating the obvious: I love being Clara's mom. I am happy and fulfilled and even challenged despite the fact that she is an easy-going babe. I find myself loving the loose structure that has filled my life, not just for her but for me as well. I like eating breakfast at the kitchen table instead of in my car. When Clara wakes up, I love being there to cuddle her and brush her long bangs out of her eyes and clip them back with a barette and see her smile at me while she is touching my face in her "good morning" gesture. I enjoy going for a run at the gym in the mornings (even if I haven't been in the last few weeks). If Clara is taking good naps, I like using the time to develop photos, blog, read scriptures, scrapbook or sew, or even catch up on a TV show that Paul doesn't watch like ANTM (which I know I should give up but it is one of those guilty pleasures that I keep recording). Sometimes I will even clean, and that isn't even the worst thing in the world. Having a tidy kitchen makes me happy and satisfied. I don't clean my whole house every day, but I feel good if I get through a couple of loads of laundry, the dishes, and straightening things up so I don't feel like I'm living in clutter.

Often I find that I have forgotten to eat lunch because Clara woke up earlier than I expected and after changing her diaper and giving her a bottle she is just so playful that I don't notice I am hungry until 2:30 and then I just have a PB&J or something to tide me over until dinner. I love my midday walks with Clara around our neighborhood where I point out flowers and rocks and cars and trees and clouds, naming different objects and their colors and sounds. I really like reading books to Clara even if all she cares about right now is grabbing at pages so she can chew on them. (I don't let her chew on books. Should I? Will that help her want to read more now and when she gets older? Is this a ridiculous question? She has a vaguely disappointed look every time I tug a page out of her little fingers just before it touches her mouth until I turn to the next page and she waves her arms like a maniac and starts grabbing again.) All of the above just feels so simple and true and right.

I love that when Paul gets home each day he has kisses for his girls and that he can tell me about what work at his firm is like and I know exactly what he is talking about because I have experienced the same things in my legal practice. I find joy in getting Clara ready for bed by watching her splash around in a warm tub, rubbing lotion on her arms and legs and chest while she squirms and smiles, and dressing her in warm jammies. My heart melts into a puddle as I sing bedtime songs to her and Paul and I say prayers then kiss her precious pink cheeks before laying her in her crib and flicking on her nightlight for the night.

Last week I went by my firm for a little while before Paul's firm's annual Fall Festival. My secretary loves it when I bring Clara in, and I enjoy taking her around and saying hi to my co-workers. At one point, a friend (who happens to be a partner with kids of her own) asked "Aren't you excited to come back?" in a tone so enthusiastic that I knew she wasn't joking.

I didn't know how to really answer her, and I feel a lot of conflict on that issue right now. I have about a month of maternity leave left and it feels like the sand grains are slipping through the neck of the hour glass faster and faster these days. "No," was the answer that immediately jumped into my head, but not out of my mouth. I tried to give a non-committal half-smile but I am certain that she saw right through me as she explained that she actually looked forward to returning to work from leave because it is "so hard" to be at home with the kids every day. In no way do I feel like that is a bad thing to feel, and in fact, I am pretty sure that more women have that feeling more often than they might admit to it. I could go into theory and personal perspective about this issu, but all I really care to say right now is that I don't feel that way. It is not hard for me to be at home with Clara all day, every day. I don't feel lonely, I don't feel unstimulated, I don't feel that my *considerable talents are being underutilized. (*I believe in humility but not in downplaying the fact that I have a JD and am a pretty bright cookie who has and can accomplish quite a lot. Sorry for the conceit but this was also an attempt at interjecting humor at a time when I feel some distress about the future.)

I don't feel ready to go back yet. I'm busy doing the stay-at-home-mom thing right now. I am happy doing what I am doing. And my stomach clenches and my throat tightens each time I think about dropping Clara off at daycare and heading into the office. I worry about how much I will miss her. I worry that she will miss me (although I know that she won't ever remember it and I also know that she probably will take the separation much better than I will). I worry about gaining weight. I worry about the inevitable cold sores. I worry about what we are going to eat for dinner every night and not having a single minute to call my own and being a stressed-out fruit basket.

So why am I going back to work? There are a myriad of reasons, and not all of them need to be shared on this blog. But as I interacted with my co-workers and talked about what their caseloads are currently like, I remembered that I actually truly enjoy a LOT about my job. Despite its drawbacks, my job at the law firm, in a lot of ways, is fun. Not always, and there are certainly things that I, and most young associate, really dislike about working at a big law firm, but by and large, I felt happy while I was there. The people I work with are great, the work itself is usually interesting, there are those great paninis at the cafe... I feel valued there. Not that I don't feel valued doing what I am doing now, but in a different and important way that I also enjoy.

In all seriousness, I want to have it all. There just isn't a way of doing it. Not really. Not without letting something slide somewhere. I don't want to give up one second of my time with Clara. But the idea of giving up on a career that I enjoy and that has provided so well for our little family is also appalling. Every woman in my position faces these decisions and so I don't feel particularly unique for sharing these thoughts, but in case anybody who reads this blog wonders, it should be known that I am conflicted and I have come to the conclusion that it is okay to feel that way. It is not comfortable or fun feeling conflicted, but it is O.K. Going back to work is the right thing for me, and so that is what I am planning on doing.

In the meantime, I have another month of maternity leave and I am thanking my lucky stars for it. That is one more month for Clara to figure out how awesome it is to sleep through the night, for me to log some miles on the treadmill, for us to enjoy walks in the fall weather, and to finish all of the Christmas shopping so I don't have that to worry about when I go back to work.

Anyway, I'm such a dorky mom already. I try to coordinate Clara's outfits with mine (and vice versa) as much as possible, but especially on Sundays. I only have so long before she figures that one out and puts her wee foot down so I have to make these days count. I have matching Halloween costumes planned out for all of us for the next two years already. I sing Oldies and dance around the backyard with Clara and I don't care if the neighbors can hear. I am trying to do sign language with a baby who hasn't even mastered matching her forefinger and opposable thumb to pick up a cheerio and stick it in her mouth yet. I would rather go to Gymboree than to Banana Republic these days.

Well, this has been very therapeutic for me. And Clara is down for the night and Paul is working late, so I guess I should post this and go wash bottles now. I'm glad I'm a mom.

Halloween Party 2011

2011-10-24T20:03:00.000-07:00

Last year we threw a Halloween/Birthday party at our house. It was our first time hosting a party like that and we had so much fun that we decided to do it again this year. We had much better weather this year and we started earlier in the day, which seemed to work out better. We also took note of our overestimates on food last year and did lots better planning this time around.

Paul mowed the lawn in the morning so that the backyard would be ready. Clara was fascinated watching her dad work in the yard.

The menu included Hot Spinach & Artichoke Dip with french bread, Lasagna, Baked Macaroni & Cheese, Chips & Salsa, Roasted Red Pepper Hummus & Pita Chips, Vegetables with Ranch Dip, and Teriyaki Meatballs.

For dessert we served Andes Mint Cookies, Funfetti Cupcakes, Candy, Pirouettes, and Black Forest Cake (my traditional birthday cake).

We had a number of wonderful friends come over to party with us. We loved seeing all of their great costumes. We had a princess.

A witch and a guy with a chip on his shoulder.

Batman & Robin with some bad guy cat burglars.

Is Boy Wonder the cutest thing ever or what?

Princess Leia was there with Darth Vader.

This little ladybug is Clara's friend Claire.

She showed up with her parents who came up with a darling family theme.

Our dentist and his wife were going to do a Toy Story theme but one of their boys had an accident that required some stitches so Little Bo Beep wasn't able to make it in her costume. We were just glad they still came!

And we totally didn't even recognize these friends at first when they showed up. They seriously freaked me out. I visit teach Hailey who is normally blonde so the black/pink mohawk was a total shocker. I love it when people go all out on costumes like this.

The big bad wolf didn't wear his furry hood most of the time because the weather was so warm. Boo.

Those furry spats are quite the fashion statement sweetie.

It was so fun just hanging out and having fun with friends. Paul and I had come up with all sorts of "activities" that we thought sounded like fun, such as trying to eat donuts hung up by string without using hands, or bobbing for apples, etc. but the conversation seemed to flow really well so we never brought it up. Although I have always wanted to bob for an apple.

Poor Little Red Riding Hood was completely tuckered out at the end of the night and fell asleep in the Big Bad Wolf's arms.

I'm already looking forward to next year's party!

Yosemite 2011 - A Nash Family Tradition

2011-10-24T04:15:00.000-07:00

I was looking through our blog archives before writing this post and it turns out I have never posted photos of our annual October Yosemite trip in years past even though we have gone the past few years with Paul's relatives. Paul's family did this trip with his cousins every year when he was growing up (and Paul's dad did the trip every year with his family when he was growing up I think) and I absolutely love the tradition. It is my most favorite Nash tradition and Paul and I plan to pass it on to Clara. The weather is perfect, the fall scents and colors make the park even more beautiful than usual, and the crowds are way down after the peak summer season. Plus, I am just a big, big fan of the National Parks and grateful that they have been preserved for us to enjoy. Thanks President Roosevelt!

We always stay in the Yosemite Lodge, which isn't fancy but it has a wonderful charm that is always makes me feel like I've gone back to a simpler time. This year there was a storm the week before we went, so the waterfalls were running higher than they normally do during October. Paul and I took Clara on her inaugural hike up the Mist Trail to see Vernal Falls, with Bob and Donna. Here is a group photo just before we headed out. The backlighting and the fact that I pinned my bangs back in a pouf make me look super weird in this pic but it is cute of everybody else.

This was a good one too, except Clara wasn't looking at the camera. Bob looks pretty excited about the hike. What a spry grandpa he is. :)

This photo is taken at the bridge where you get the first view of the falls.

I have been noticing lately that Paul often holds my elbow in photos. I am not sure why, but he does it all the time and I sort of secretly love that whenever we take pictures together he has his arm around me in some form or other.

This was the longest hike we have done with Clara but she did great. She was sleepy from the start so I held her facing me and within just a few minutes she was snoozing heavily against my chest.

We made a number of stops to catch our breath. Notice Clara's closed eyes.

Eventually Clara woke up and she was a VERY happy girl.

Me and Clara with Vernal Falls behind us. A couple of people got too close to the water at the top of the falls were swept over earlier this year (it has been a dangerous year for Yosemite) and the bodies still haven't been recovered. There were photos of their faces at the trailhead instructing hikers to watch out for them. The current theory is that the bodies are stuck under some of the huge boulders in the river still. ~shudder~

Bob and I are in the bottom left-hand corner of this photo coming down the stairs that go past Vernal Falls. Paul was not exactly super enthusiastic about me taking Clara up these stairs, but really it wasn't even dangerous. They weren't nearly as wet and slippery as they have been in the past and I stayed on the inside of the trail, away from the drop-off to the left, which you can't really get an idea of from this picture.

Clara's Grandma Donna had fun holding Baby-Girl when we stopped for snacks, a diaper change, and to feed Clara a bottle.

Grandpa Bob had fun holding her too and was cracking up when Clara was showing off her flexibility by trying to stick her foot into her mouth.

Success!

We also went over to the Ahwahnee and spent some time enjoying the beautiful lobbies. This building was built in 1926 to attract wealthy investors to the young park (something I just learned about on this most recent trip).

Paul and I had never seen the room below before but we loved the mural painted on the wall. I should have taken a better photo with more of the mural, but there were all sorts of animals throughout it. It felt like an old english smoking lounge from a gentleman's club or something (whatever that is).

We stopped at one of the lovely golden meadows and Paul's dad took some photos of us while we were all on a walk.

Clara finally gave us a huge gummy smile when Donna came over to stand beside Bob and made noises for her. Clara loves Grandma & Grandpa Nash, who came to our house a few days before the Yosemite trip, along with Great-Grandma Madge, and were able to spend time with their newest grandchild. We loved having all of them here with us (especially since Grandma Nash watched Clara for me while I spent almost an entire day scrapbooking the Little Red Riding Hood story to be mailed out as presents.)

On one walk with Bob and Donna, we crossed a bridge over this river. Bob challenged Paul to walk out on the log that stretches out over the river, which Paul immediately declined to do while I was simultaneously accepting the challenge and yelling over my shoulder for Paul to pull out the camera. See me on the log?

It doesn't look as impressive in this photo. Does it help if I explain that the water is super clear so even though you can see the rocks on the bottom in this photo it is actually deeper than it looks and was probably ridiculously cold?

I made it to the end and posed for a picture.

The scariest part was turning around and standing back up.

We enjoyed lunch at Degnan's Deli.

I seriously told my in-laws that we all had to pose mid-bite. I totally wasn't eating here, just posing. Why am I so weird?

I am seriously going to have a zillion photos of Clara like this where she is sleeping. I just can't help myself whenever I see how serene she is. The rosy cheeks, the button nose, the fine brown hair wisping out of her miniature pigtails - I die.

Paul loves to channel his inner Ansel Adams and take scenic photos of the park in attempt to capture even a fraction of its grandeur. The task is impossible, but I still love how this year's photos turned out. Especially these two shots with Yosemite Falls in the background. Another thing I learned on this trip is that back in the 1950's Yosemite Falls was considered the 3rd highest falls on earth but new falls have since been discovered to be higher so now it is only the 7th highest on earth.

Half Dome. I have a traumatic past with this monolith that is a story for another time, but for some reason I find myself wanting to try climbing it again now. But not with Clara. She is NEVER allowed to climb it. WAY too scary.

See the mountain in the middle background of this photo? It is called Cloud's Rest and it is the highest point that can be seen from the valley floor. I spent one cold, windy, and restless night at its summit once about 4 days after having run a marathon worrying that I was either going to be attacked by a bear or be blown off in my tent. I'm grateful for the experience but I prefer the view from down here I think.

Upper Yosemite Falls. You can see Lower Yosemite Falls at the bottom of the frame in the shadows too. We have better photos of Lower Yosemite Falls later on from when we walked there.

One of the many picturesque bridges in the park.

Paul enjoys going on "night hikes" with his dad and cousin. Night hikes freak me out because I almost always see bears in Yosemite (in fact, this was the first trip when I have NOT seen a bear) and walking around in the pitch black darkness when there are bear signs EVERYWHERE is not exactly my idea of fun. I consider myself daring, but I'm not insane. Anyway, Paul was experimenting with camera settings and nighttime photography and captured this amazing image just as the moon was rising. It was around 10:30 at night and mist had just started rising off the valley floor.

We went back the next day and took a comparison photo in the daylight.

On our last morning in Yosemite, Paul, Clara and I walked to Lower Yosemite Falls. You can see the falls in this picture just to the left of Paul's head. Clara was in a great mood being able to face forward in her stroller. This may be my new all-time favorite photo of Paul. Swoon.

Here is a picture from close to the base of the falls.

We also celebrated my birthday with a dinner at the Mountain Room (a very nice restaurant by the Yosemite Lodge) where I had delicious trout and razzleberry cobbler, but I don't have any photos from that night.

There are so many other things to do and see in Yosemite that this post doesn't even touch the surface. Some of my favorites that we have done in the past include Mirror Lake, Mariposa Grove, riding bikes past the Indian Caves and the Panorama Trail hike from Glacier Point. Can't wait to go again next year!

Clara Jane at 5 months

2011-10-21T09:03:00.000-07:00

Clara turned 5 months old two days ago. We went out and took these photos at a local parking lot pumpkin patch that day, since there aren't any "real" pumpkin patches nearby. She wasn't interested in much other than the hay spread out over a black tarp.

Our little "punkin" continues to be such a sweet-natured, happy-go-lucky girl. Our friends with kids tell us that our next children will seem like holy terrors compared to Clara because she is so easy-going. So far, our biggest challenge has been the whole sleeping-through-the-night issue. Around the 4 month mark, Clara started waking up more and more frequently at nights until it became so bad that she was up 4-7 times each night. I had planned on waiting to do sleep training until after Hawaii and Yosemite, but decided it could wait no longer when she was waking up almost every hour all night long.

The first night of sleep training was the worst. I let her fuss until she started to actually cry. As it turns out, I think a lot of her wake-up times were really just fussing and she might have just gone back to sleep if I hadn't interfered, but hindsight is 20/20. Once she was really crying, I gave her 5 minutes, then comforted her by rubbing her back and hair and talking to her, but not taking her out of her crib. Then I let her cry another 10 minutes and repeated the comforting process. Then 15 minutes, then finally 20 minutes. By that time she had been crying for about 45-50 minutes and I could tell she was almost worn out so I went ahead and gave her the pacifier and she went right to sleep. (I wouldn't normally deprive her of the pacifier but one of the reasons she was waking up 7 times a night was that she would lose the pacifier, wake up, then freak out that it was gone. I wanted her to be able to self-soothe without freaking out about a missing pacifier.) I laid on the floor next to her crib but out of sight the entire time, unless it was time to comfort her. I didn't want to be getting in and out of bed and I knew I wouldn't be sleeping anyway and I figured if I was going to make her go through it, I might as well be right there with her.

The second night went better - I think she only cried for 30 minutes - and by the third and fourth nights she was only crying for maybe 15 minutes before she would just go back to sleep. Then we went to Hawaii and things got a little messed up, but basically she has only been waking up once a night ever since, usually between 2:30 and 3:00. I'm hoping to start sleep training her again and break her of that once a night habit soon because even when she does wake up she is not that hungry and barely drinks half a bottle.

Claradactyl has also become really vocal in this last month and talks, giggles, and laughs a lot more. I swear she is trying to say "mama" which sort of kills me at night when she is crying and I think that she is saying it. She has kind of a manic cackle when I find a good tickle spot on her (her upper thighs was working really well yesterday) or if she is in just the right mood and I either "roar" for her or shout "boo! getchyou, getchyou!".

And she is getting long! Or tall. Whichever. I haven't measured her again, but she looks and feels so much bigger and has been straining her pajamas again so we are upping her to the 6-9 month size. Her hair is getting longer too and I can even do one ponytail at the back now although I haven't bothered because she takes so many naps that it would fall out so easily that pigtails are still the best (and my favorite anyway) option. I found some tiny baby hair clips that I use to clip her bangs back each day, otherwise they hang down in her eyes and bother her.

Her favorite toys are currently the plastic bag that I keep her hair bows and comb in, her giraffe, and her pacifier. In her 4 month post I mentioned how she was working on figuring out the whole pacifier thing and how to put it in the right way. Well now she knows and yet she will purposely stick it in upside down and chomp on it while smiling and saying "rawr-rawr-rawr". When she is bored with that game she will stick it in the right way and move on to the next thing.

Clara Jane is going to crawl any day now. She has been doing the army crawl for a couple of weeks now and does laps around her crib and the living room rug, although she has never ventured off the rug and onto the wood floor. But in the past few days she has spent less time doing her army crawl and more time on her hands and knees in true crawling form, as if she is testing it out before really taking off. It is so darling.

She almost always sleeps on her stomach with her bum in the air and her head to the left even though I put her down on her back. And up until this week she has been a consistently good napper taking at least two 2-3 hours naps per day, and usually taking an additional third nap of about 45 minutes somewhere in between. This past week though she has only done the morning nap and has slept for just 20 minutes in the afternoon twice. I can't figure out what is up because she acts tired and fussy (for her) and rubs her eyes, but when I put her down she fights and fights it and when I finally go in to soothe her she gives me the thousand-watt toothless smile and coo that she does so well and reaches out for me so I pull her out and then she plays happily for another hour before she starts acting tired again and we repeat the routine. My best guess is that on those days she has had a little tummy trouble because inevitably she has a huge movement later in the day than normal and that is why she can't sleep. Maybe it is the prunes she has been eating.

Speaking of eating, here are some photos I took of her eating squash while we were in Hawaii. Her stroller did double duty as a high chair and this was early in the morning, which explains her crazier than usual hair.

Sometimes she makes this goofy face while eating.

She is really a good little eater and has tried all sorts of different foods. No, she has not had carrots yet, but we plan on introducing them this week. So far her favorites seem to be green beans, sweet potatoes, pumpkin, squash and pears. She is less enthusiastic about peaches, mangos and oatmeal, but she eats everything we give her without too much of a problem. I also have just introduced those freeze-dried yogurt puff things to her so that she can start to figure out how to use her fingers to put food in her mouth on her own, but she acts like they are the worst thing in the world whenever I stick one on her tongue.

My favorite books to read to her are currently Frankenstein Makes a Sandwich by Adam Rex and Halloween by Jerry Seinfeld. Clara likes to play peek-a-boo and will initiate it on her own by holding a burp cloth over her eyes then pullling it down and waiting for us to say "peek-a-boo" or something similarly shocking and hilarious.

She is so much fun and we love our baby girl who seems less and less like a baby with each passing day.