This is part of a series of posts about our most recent failed adoption. I'm trying to power through these and get them all up because I don't want to prolong this, but I feel like I need to tell the story. The first post is here and the second post is here, and the third post is here, in case you want to start from the beginning.
The phone call went fine. Not amazing, but at least we got to talk to a real person. And she sounded genuine and down to earth and the kind of person we would like to have as our child's birthmom. She finally told us over the phone that she was having a little boy. At one point in the conversation I brought up the birthfather, "M", and asked if they had been in contact since she had only mentioned him in one previous email and said they weren't together but maintained an amicable relationship. She said that he had recently come back into the picture - they weren't dating but she was forwarding many of our emails on to him and they would discuss what they liked and didn't like.
After the call our caseworker encouraged us to start reaching out to M through B as best we could. We sent pictures of us for both of them (on our caseworker's advice) and links to past blog posts or videos that we thought they would like and would help them get to know us better. They started asking us to think of a name. It felt like they were getting close to telling us they had made up their minds about us. B asked for Kayli's phone number and they had some communication for a while (I don't know the entire extent because I didn't want to ask Kayli what all B wanted to know about us or about adoption and make her feel like she was breaching a confidence between birthmoms or anything).
Mother's Day came and went. She was around 29 weeks and I thought maybe, just maybe, she would be saving an "announcement" for Mother's Day. But it didn't come, and I didn't worry about it. We would rather her take her time and be sure about her decision to place with us than to decide too early, tell us, and then back out later.
She started asking about another phone call. Ugh. We said, "sure! of course! we can talk anytime!" But unsurprisingly, a call never happened.
She set up a Skype call for 7:00 a.m. her time. By this point she had moved to Florida for the summer to stay with her family and wasn't working so we figured it actually might happen. We texted her around 7:15 to see why she hadn't called yet. She texted back about being stuck in traffic. We waited. We texted again a while later and she said she was home but had to use the bathroom. (Seriously?) We waited. Ten minutes later she texted that she was excited to talk but also kind of nervous. At this point I was like, "why are you still texting us? why don't you just call?" So I texted something to lighten the mood and finally she texted saying she was just too nervous and the call wasn't happening. So Paul went into work a couple hours late for nothing and we wondered what we were doing letting her do this to us over and over.
I'm going to skip ahead because there was just more of the same over the month of May. More phone calls arranged and cancelled. Daily emails being exchanged to the point where I actually bought a book about with conversation prompts because I seriously was running out of questions to ask B about herself! (It is an awesome book, btw, and I should do a blog post in the future of questions we have been asked by the multiple birthmoms we have interacted with and questions we have asked trying to get to know them better. I would love to read some other adoptive couple's take on that subject.)
B started finally sending us photos of herself in response to our many photos of ourselves (we never asked or pressured her for any of herself though). Always group shots with other people where she was in the back and never any that would give even the slightest glimpse of a possible baby bump. But at least she was feeling comfortable with us seeing what she looked like.
In late May, B told us that she had narrowed her choices down to two couples - us and one other couple. We eventually learned that the other couple had two kids - one biological and one adopted - and they were from Tennessee. My heart sank a little because B had expressed concerns about us being on the West Coast and her being on the East Coast and I realized this other couple had an advantage being so close. TN is just hours from FL or NC, the two places where B went to school and had her family. But we soldiered on, figuring if she liked us enough to email for more than three months, there might still be a chance that she would choose us anyway.
Then on June 5 she emailed us two huge questions:
"Would you guys be willing to meet me in person?" and "Would you want to be in the delivery room for the birth?"...
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Scheduling a phone call (post #3 of 6)
This is part of a series of posts about our most recent failed adoption. The first post is here and the second post is here, in case you want to start from the beginning.
Around the one-month mark of our email exchange, B brought up the idea of having a phone call with us. This was a huge and exciting development because it meant real progress in our relationship. We even thought that possibly she felt good enough about us to want to involve us in the ultrasound experience for determining gender or at least to talk to us and tell us over the phone what the baby's gender was when she finally found out.
So we started trying to arrange a phone call - first we talked about doing a call on a weekend since that was the most straightforward time for Paul with work and B with school. But she always had plans (so weird because what college sophmore packs their weekends so full that they can't prioritize a 30 minute phone call in there somewhere?). So we talked about early morning before Paul left for work or evening after he got home (and we accounted for the 3 hour time difference and were planning on getting up super early just to make sure a call could happen before she had classes or a job to get to). But again, there was always a reason why that couldn't work either. So then we switched to a strategy of just saying, "hey, you just name a time - ANYTIME AT ALL - and we will make it work. Don't worry about time zones or our obligations or work schedules. Just tell us when you can make a call happen."
All this happened over multiple emails over the course of a few weeks. Finally, 3 weeks after her bringing up the idea of a phone call, she started giving us windows (like the delivery guys - between the hours of 2 and 4 in the afternoon on Thursday) when she would call us.
Then she didn't call.
My hand was literally cramped from holding my stupid phone that first day she had given us a window of time because I kept thinking, "she'll call. and if something comes up she would text. right? of course. I hope." I had Clara all set with books and snacks and was even ready to resort to letting her watch tv (even though we were going through a television purge during that time) so that I could talk to B without distractions. The plan was to dial Paul in on a conference call and he would talk from work with his door shut. All that preparation and the weeks of trying to finally schedule this and she just left us hanging. And didn't email for a full 24 hours to "explain" what happened.
This happened at least 3 or 4 more times over the next couple of weeks. By the end, I knew she was a scammer. There was no way somebody could have so many excuses for not calling. Excuses like "I got stuck volunteering at Relay for Life" or "I was Facetiming with my mom for the longest time and then had to pack for Spring Break" or "A class got cancelled but I was still so busy and had to stay on campus" or "I'm part of a disciplinary council and had emergency stuff come up because some people were stealing from other people in the dorms and it was my responsibility to deal with it".
There was no way a real birthmom who claimed to care about us so much would continue to leave us hanging and never even text to say "you know what, this is crazy but I had something come up again". Every single time. We were as understanding and patient as humanly possible in our emails. But I gave up even believing that she would follow through with the calls and just played along and humored her every time she said she would call. But a little part of me - this niggling, hopeful part - thought maybe she was intimidated, maybe she just kept backing out and getting nervous to go through with it. I mean, it made sense and I might do the same thing if I were her. Not 4 or 5 times, but still... Her emails remained very newsy and friendly and we were making progress in our relationship so I didn't want to cut it off completely when I honestly felt in my heart that it wasn't a scam. But I didn't bother keeping my phone right by my side or arranging distractions for Clara on the days where B set up call windows. Instead I took an "I'll believe it when I see it" approach.
Except...she had a Twitter feed. If there was anything I withheld from B, it was that I googled her first thing when she started emailing us and found her Facebook page, Twitter account, and an old blog that she had written a few posts on the year before. The thing is, she found us through Facebook and didn't have a caseworker. I worried from the start that this could be a scam and had to verify her identity as much as I could. Adoption scams (and not just ones that are about money - there are people who scam purely to mess with the emotions of vulnerable couples like us) happen ALL. THE. TIME. So I checked her twitter feed every single day to see whether the things she posted matched the things she emailed us. She had loads of friends and was always having conversations with other people from school and a lot of the stuff she posted seemed to confirm what she told us in her emails, (like the disciplinary council stuff and the relay for life stuff), which made me feel like maybe she wasn't a scammer after all. And we liked her a lot and wanted to trust her so we didn't want to believe she was a scammer.
There was one other big reason why we held out so long for the promised phone call. B finally scheduled her ultrasound appointment for March 30th (a month and a half after she first emailed us when she was already 18 weeks along). Only when she emailed back the day after her appointment, she didn't even mention it other than to say "it went well". We asked a little bit more about who was there and what it was like, but I didn't pressure for the gender because revealing gender to the adoptive couple can be a big moment for a lot of birthmoms and I thought that maybe she wanted to tell us over the phone (we were still pretty early on in the scheduling phone calls phase) so we could be patient.
Finally after numerous phone call attempts, I sent B the following email:
"Hey B! We hope everything is okay since we didn't hear from you yesterday or today. We were really hoping that we might actually get to talk this weekend, especially since we have been talking about doing a phone call for quite a few weeks now and we have been emailing for two months (crazy, huh?!). So if you have any time at all tomorrow, please give us a call or at least send us a text. Don't even worry about what time it is because we would take your call even if you called us at 5:00 a.m. Seriously. :) Or if you have gone to call us and changed your mind because of any second thoughts or anything, we understand that too, but please just let us know. We hope this doesn't sound like us pressuring you into a phone call or anything - we don't want to do that and we know that you are super busy (way busier than most people) so we know that you have tons of other obligations and responsibilities - we just want you to know that we understand how difficult this must all be for you. We know that lots of birthmoms often start feeling pressure from a lot of different people at this point in their pregnancy, especially now that you know the baby's gender (which we are sort of dying to know ourselves but have held off on asking about because we thought that was maybe something you might be waiting to tell us over the phone) and things are starting to get more "real" and will likely get progressively more difficult. We hope that you still have people you can talk these things through with, but we would love to be a part of that, if you want us to be."
Reading that again makes me think that it sounded desperate, but the phone call was B's idea in the first place! What we were was frustrated.
She apologized profusely and promised to call the next day. She also promised to send a pic of her baby bump. We didn't ask for that although we had been wanting some sort of confirmation - an ultrasound pic or a belly pic or even better, for her to go into our agency's office just 30 minutes away and talk with a caseworker - to be able to provide at least some proof that she was actually pregnant and actually a potential birthmom and not some scammer.
She didn't call. Instead, she apologized (again) and promised (again) that she would absolutely, for sure, call the next day. It was nothing we hadn't heard from her before.
But finally, FINALLY, she followed through and called us 5 weeks after first suggesting a phone call....
Around the one-month mark of our email exchange, B brought up the idea of having a phone call with us. This was a huge and exciting development because it meant real progress in our relationship. We even thought that possibly she felt good enough about us to want to involve us in the ultrasound experience for determining gender or at least to talk to us and tell us over the phone what the baby's gender was when she finally found out.
So we started trying to arrange a phone call - first we talked about doing a call on a weekend since that was the most straightforward time for Paul with work and B with school. But she always had plans (so weird because what college sophmore packs their weekends so full that they can't prioritize a 30 minute phone call in there somewhere?). So we talked about early morning before Paul left for work or evening after he got home (and we accounted for the 3 hour time difference and were planning on getting up super early just to make sure a call could happen before she had classes or a job to get to). But again, there was always a reason why that couldn't work either. So then we switched to a strategy of just saying, "hey, you just name a time - ANYTIME AT ALL - and we will make it work. Don't worry about time zones or our obligations or work schedules. Just tell us when you can make a call happen."
All this happened over multiple emails over the course of a few weeks. Finally, 3 weeks after her bringing up the idea of a phone call, she started giving us windows (like the delivery guys - between the hours of 2 and 4 in the afternoon on Thursday) when she would call us.
Then she didn't call.
My hand was literally cramped from holding my stupid phone that first day she had given us a window of time because I kept thinking, "she'll call. and if something comes up she would text. right? of course. I hope." I had Clara all set with books and snacks and was even ready to resort to letting her watch tv (even though we were going through a television purge during that time) so that I could talk to B without distractions. The plan was to dial Paul in on a conference call and he would talk from work with his door shut. All that preparation and the weeks of trying to finally schedule this and she just left us hanging. And didn't email for a full 24 hours to "explain" what happened.
This happened at least 3 or 4 more times over the next couple of weeks. By the end, I knew she was a scammer. There was no way somebody could have so many excuses for not calling. Excuses like "I got stuck volunteering at Relay for Life" or "I was Facetiming with my mom for the longest time and then had to pack for Spring Break" or "A class got cancelled but I was still so busy and had to stay on campus" or "I'm part of a disciplinary council and had emergency stuff come up because some people were stealing from other people in the dorms and it was my responsibility to deal with it".
There was no way a real birthmom who claimed to care about us so much would continue to leave us hanging and never even text to say "you know what, this is crazy but I had something come up again". Every single time. We were as understanding and patient as humanly possible in our emails. But I gave up even believing that she would follow through with the calls and just played along and humored her every time she said she would call. But a little part of me - this niggling, hopeful part - thought maybe she was intimidated, maybe she just kept backing out and getting nervous to go through with it. I mean, it made sense and I might do the same thing if I were her. Not 4 or 5 times, but still... Her emails remained very newsy and friendly and we were making progress in our relationship so I didn't want to cut it off completely when I honestly felt in my heart that it wasn't a scam. But I didn't bother keeping my phone right by my side or arranging distractions for Clara on the days where B set up call windows. Instead I took an "I'll believe it when I see it" approach.
Except...she had a Twitter feed. If there was anything I withheld from B, it was that I googled her first thing when she started emailing us and found her Facebook page, Twitter account, and an old blog that she had written a few posts on the year before. The thing is, she found us through Facebook and didn't have a caseworker. I worried from the start that this could be a scam and had to verify her identity as much as I could. Adoption scams (and not just ones that are about money - there are people who scam purely to mess with the emotions of vulnerable couples like us) happen ALL. THE. TIME. So I checked her twitter feed every single day to see whether the things she posted matched the things she emailed us. She had loads of friends and was always having conversations with other people from school and a lot of the stuff she posted seemed to confirm what she told us in her emails, (like the disciplinary council stuff and the relay for life stuff), which made me feel like maybe she wasn't a scammer after all. And we liked her a lot and wanted to trust her so we didn't want to believe she was a scammer.
There was one other big reason why we held out so long for the promised phone call. B finally scheduled her ultrasound appointment for March 30th (a month and a half after she first emailed us when she was already 18 weeks along). Only when she emailed back the day after her appointment, she didn't even mention it other than to say "it went well". We asked a little bit more about who was there and what it was like, but I didn't pressure for the gender because revealing gender to the adoptive couple can be a big moment for a lot of birthmoms and I thought that maybe she wanted to tell us over the phone (we were still pretty early on in the scheduling phone calls phase) so we could be patient.
Finally after numerous phone call attempts, I sent B the following email:
"Hey B! We hope everything is okay since we didn't hear from you yesterday or today. We were really hoping that we might actually get to talk this weekend, especially since we have been talking about doing a phone call for quite a few weeks now and we have been emailing for two months (crazy, huh?!). So if you have any time at all tomorrow, please give us a call or at least send us a text. Don't even worry about what time it is because we would take your call even if you called us at 5:00 a.m. Seriously. :) Or if you have gone to call us and changed your mind because of any second thoughts or anything, we understand that too, but please just let us know. We hope this doesn't sound like us pressuring you into a phone call or anything - we don't want to do that and we know that you are super busy (way busier than most people) so we know that you have tons of other obligations and responsibilities - we just want you to know that we understand how difficult this must all be for you. We know that lots of birthmoms often start feeling pressure from a lot of different people at this point in their pregnancy, especially now that you know the baby's gender (which we are sort of dying to know ourselves but have held off on asking about because we thought that was maybe something you might be waiting to tell us over the phone) and things are starting to get more "real" and will likely get progressively more difficult. We hope that you still have people you can talk these things through with, but we would love to be a part of that, if you want us to be."
Reading that again makes me think that it sounded desperate, but the phone call was B's idea in the first place! What we were was frustrated.
She apologized profusely and promised to call the next day. She also promised to send a pic of her baby bump. We didn't ask for that although we had been wanting some sort of confirmation - an ultrasound pic or a belly pic or even better, for her to go into our agency's office just 30 minutes away and talk with a caseworker - to be able to provide at least some proof that she was actually pregnant and actually a potential birthmom and not some scammer.
She didn't call. Instead, she apologized (again) and promised (again) that she would absolutely, for sure, call the next day. It was nothing we hadn't heard from her before.
But finally, FINALLY, she followed through and called us 5 weeks after first suggesting a phone call....
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
The first month getting to know "B" (post #2 of 6)
I already shared how we were first contacted by "B" back here at the start of this series of posts explaining our most recent failed adoption.
B explained that she was 18 weeks along and had decided on adoption within about a week or two of learning that she was pregnant. She talked about having a friend and a cousin who had both placed babies for adoption and surprised us with her knowledge of adoption in general. Clearly she had been doing a lot of independent adoption research. We started emailing back and forth on a daily basis.
To be honest, at first it was hard writing back to her. We had suffered an adoption failure just two months earlier after emailing with a birthmom for 4 1/2 months and we knew we were facing an even longer road with this birthmom with 5 1/2 months until her due date. And believe me, it was daunting.
One part of my brain was telling me to be excited! be hopeful! be positive! Another part of my brain started crying at the thought of months of pouring out our hearts and souls and giving support and building love and trust with somebody who may or may not decide to choose us to be the parents of her child.
This is going a little off track, but if adoption could be related to a distance race, it felt like we had prepared for and run a marathon (adoption failure #1) only to be told that our efforts didn't count and to start over. So we ran it again (adoption failure #2) only to get within yards of the finish line and be told that those 26.2 miles didn't count either and to go back to the starting line for another 26.2 miles of pain, fatigue, and stress on already overstressed "adoption legs". Every emotional and mental "muscle" was yelling and begging to stop the pain, but I just. could. not. give. up. I couldn't quit.
Even though I wanted to. Even though I want to now. But not really. Not truly have I ever wanted to quit when it comes to the idea of having at least one more child. I've said the words, of course, and thought for moments and maybe even minutes that I even meant them. But then I look at Clara and know that if ever a child deserved the right to be a big sister, she does. And I look at Paul and I pray that he will have a son to take on campouts or another daughter to take on daddy-daughter dates. And I hold a newborn and think I can't possibly not get to experience this again. (Incidentally, I write this blog from my perspective although Paul has had many of the same feelings and obviously we approach building our family as a team. Maybe someday I will be able to convince him to write from his perspective what all of this has been like but I don't want to put words in his mouth or alternatively, make it seem like he doesn't have a hard time with any of this.)
Anyway, back to the story - over the course of a few weeks we found a lot of common ground and really started working to develop a friendship. We were so grateful that her emailing was so consistent - we never had to worry about whether we would hear from her again (unlike the birthmom from adoption failure #2 who would go a week or two between emails). She told us early on that she was emailing multiple couples, and we understood that - it isn't totally unusual for a potential birthmom to consider more than one couple at the outset of the process. But we were worried that she didn't have a caseworker to talk to her about the process and she wouldn't talk with anyone from our agency until she had actually chosen a couple. We felt like having some professional guidance from a licensed caseworker could only benefit her and we were confused why she would refuse such help.
We really started to worry about whether she was scamming us when her ultrasound to determine gender was cancelled less than a week after her first email to us. Then rescheduled for a week later. Then rescheduled again. And again. Until we had been emailing for a full month and she was at 23 or 24 weeks and still hadn't been to the doctor to determine gender...
B explained that she was 18 weeks along and had decided on adoption within about a week or two of learning that she was pregnant. She talked about having a friend and a cousin who had both placed babies for adoption and surprised us with her knowledge of adoption in general. Clearly she had been doing a lot of independent adoption research. We started emailing back and forth on a daily basis.
To be honest, at first it was hard writing back to her. We had suffered an adoption failure just two months earlier after emailing with a birthmom for 4 1/2 months and we knew we were facing an even longer road with this birthmom with 5 1/2 months until her due date. And believe me, it was daunting.
One part of my brain was telling me to be excited! be hopeful! be positive! Another part of my brain started crying at the thought of months of pouring out our hearts and souls and giving support and building love and trust with somebody who may or may not decide to choose us to be the parents of her child.
This is going a little off track, but if adoption could be related to a distance race, it felt like we had prepared for and run a marathon (adoption failure #1) only to be told that our efforts didn't count and to start over. So we ran it again (adoption failure #2) only to get within yards of the finish line and be told that those 26.2 miles didn't count either and to go back to the starting line for another 26.2 miles of pain, fatigue, and stress on already overstressed "adoption legs". Every emotional and mental "muscle" was yelling and begging to stop the pain, but I just. could. not. give. up. I couldn't quit.
Even though I wanted to. Even though I want to now. But not really. Not truly have I ever wanted to quit when it comes to the idea of having at least one more child. I've said the words, of course, and thought for moments and maybe even minutes that I even meant them. But then I look at Clara and know that if ever a child deserved the right to be a big sister, she does. And I look at Paul and I pray that he will have a son to take on campouts or another daughter to take on daddy-daughter dates. And I hold a newborn and think I can't possibly not get to experience this again. (Incidentally, I write this blog from my perspective although Paul has had many of the same feelings and obviously we approach building our family as a team. Maybe someday I will be able to convince him to write from his perspective what all of this has been like but I don't want to put words in his mouth or alternatively, make it seem like he doesn't have a hard time with any of this.)
Anyway, back to the story - over the course of a few weeks we found a lot of common ground and really started working to develop a friendship. We were so grateful that her emailing was so consistent - we never had to worry about whether we would hear from her again (unlike the birthmom from adoption failure #2 who would go a week or two between emails). She told us early on that she was emailing multiple couples, and we understood that - it isn't totally unusual for a potential birthmom to consider more than one couple at the outset of the process. But we were worried that she didn't have a caseworker to talk to her about the process and she wouldn't talk with anyone from our agency until she had actually chosen a couple. We felt like having some professional guidance from a licensed caseworker could only benefit her and we were confused why she would refuse such help.
We really started to worry about whether she was scamming us when her ultrasound to determine gender was cancelled less than a week after her first email to us. Then rescheduled for a week later. Then rescheduled again. And again. Until we had been emailing for a full month and she was at 23 or 24 weeks and still hadn't been to the doctor to determine gender...
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
In which I explain how Facebook friends can help make an adoption connection... (post #1 of 6)
Thanks for the kind words and prayers and love during this difficult time. We know we have some amazing friends and family (and even strangers who are following our journey through adoption) who really care for us and are hoping for another successful adoption right along with us.
To that end, I wanted to share how our friends' sharing our adoption profile helped us connect with this most recent potential birthmom. Yeah, it didn't work out and yeah we are bummed. BUT...at least we know social media can actually work to make this kind of a connection, right? Here's what happened:
Back at the end of January, I did a blog post and mentioned on Facebook that we would love help doing a "media blitz" of sharing our adoption profile or linking to our blog, just to get our name "out there". We saw a huge spike in traffic to our adoption profile and blog over a two or three day period, but we figured the chances of a potential birthmom seeing either of them was probably slim. But two weeks later, we got an email from a 19 year old college student in North Carolina who was pregnant (we will just refer to her as "B" for now) telling us that somebody named Amy C. (I won't post her full name here but it was not me and not somebody that either of us knew) had passed along a link to our profile and recommended that she check us out.
After some sleuthing and a phone call, we figured out the connection: Paul and I have a friend named Nikki (who Paul has known since grade school) and when we shared the link to our adoption profile on Facebook, she shared it on her Facebook page. Nikki has a friend named Amy C. who saw the link. She clicked it and read about us just because she was curious. Two weeks later, Amy C. found out about B and her situation, and went back to Nikki's FB page, found the link to our profile, and forwarded it on.
And voila, just like that an adoption connection was made.
Social media is a hugely powerful tool in the adoption world and can open up doors to adoption situations that we would never otherwise know about or have a chance to be considered for. I did a mini-blitz this past weekend when things started going south with this most recent adoption (I didn't ask anybody to share but once I started sharing, others started sharing too) and we have had over 300 hits to adoption profile in just those few days, which is huge since we typically have single digits numbers of profile hits on most days.
So thanks to everybody who has shared our profile or blog and especially to those who have "liked" our Facebook page (If you haven't done it yet, I just added a link to the sidebar - third item down - all you have to do it click on it and click "like"!). We were at just over 100 likes this past weekend and in a matter of days we have jumped up to 173 "likes", which is awesome because the more people who "like" our page (not just liking a post or a photo but liking the group page itself) the more likely we are to turn up in an internet search of couples hoping to adopt. We have people stumbling on our blog often just by searching phrases on google like "waiting to adopt" or "hoping to adopt" or one of those phrases combined with the word "facebook". You can actually even send out invites to all your friends to like our page as well.
I think that's my little spiel for today. Seriously, peeps, you rock. Thanks for cheering us on.
To that end, I wanted to share how our friends' sharing our adoption profile helped us connect with this most recent potential birthmom. Yeah, it didn't work out and yeah we are bummed. BUT...at least we know social media can actually work to make this kind of a connection, right? Here's what happened:
Back at the end of January, I did a blog post and mentioned on Facebook that we would love help doing a "media blitz" of sharing our adoption profile or linking to our blog, just to get our name "out there". We saw a huge spike in traffic to our adoption profile and blog over a two or three day period, but we figured the chances of a potential birthmom seeing either of them was probably slim. But two weeks later, we got an email from a 19 year old college student in North Carolina who was pregnant (we will just refer to her as "B" for now) telling us that somebody named Amy C. (I won't post her full name here but it was not me and not somebody that either of us knew) had passed along a link to our profile and recommended that she check us out.
After some sleuthing and a phone call, we figured out the connection: Paul and I have a friend named Nikki (who Paul has known since grade school) and when we shared the link to our adoption profile on Facebook, she shared it on her Facebook page. Nikki has a friend named Amy C. who saw the link. She clicked it and read about us just because she was curious. Two weeks later, Amy C. found out about B and her situation, and went back to Nikki's FB page, found the link to our profile, and forwarded it on.
And voila, just like that an adoption connection was made.
Social media is a hugely powerful tool in the adoption world and can open up doors to adoption situations that we would never otherwise know about or have a chance to be considered for. I did a mini-blitz this past weekend when things started going south with this most recent adoption (I didn't ask anybody to share but once I started sharing, others started sharing too) and we have had over 300 hits to adoption profile in just those few days, which is huge since we typically have single digits numbers of profile hits on most days.
So thanks to everybody who has shared our profile or blog and especially to those who have "liked" our Facebook page (If you haven't done it yet, I just added a link to the sidebar - third item down - all you have to do it click on it and click "like"!). We were at just over 100 likes this past weekend and in a matter of days we have jumped up to 173 "likes", which is awesome because the more people who "like" our page (not just liking a post or a photo but liking the group page itself) the more likely we are to turn up in an internet search of couples hoping to adopt. We have people stumbling on our blog often just by searching phrases on google like "waiting to adopt" or "hoping to adopt" or one of those phrases combined with the word "facebook". You can actually even send out invites to all your friends to like our page as well.
I think that's my little spiel for today. Seriously, peeps, you rock. Thanks for cheering us on.
Monday, August 5, 2013
Disappointment #3
Today is the day I thought I was going to be a mom again.
Only a few people knew about this possibility and we kept things pretty quiet on our end so even they maybe only know 1/10th of what we've been going through for the past 5 1/2, almost 6 full months of practically daily emails with a potential birthmom (or potential scammer - I will get to that in another post because it is one of the most confusing and upsetting things about this entire ordeal). Since Feb. 15th when we first heard from her, to be exact.
Today a little boy will be born in Florida. Up until just a few days ago, we thought he would be ours.
We were made promises - promises which we knew when they were made could be easily broken or changed or forgotten about and which we have heard before from others but knew we had no right to expect or enforce or count on. But still, you hear things in emails like "I cannot stress to you enough how decided I am about having this adoption occur. There is absolutely no chance I will keep this baby to parent. " and texts telling you that she "couldn't have made it through this without you" and the hope starts bubbling up and there is nothing you can do to tamp it down, hard as you try.
I am so glad this summer is almost over. My mantra for months now has been to just make it through the end of July. This baby's due date was the 27th so he is now officially more than a week overdue, which is why she is being induced today. But for weeks I have checked the flights between the Bay Area and Orlando almost every day to the point where I have them memorized. It has been agony, this not knowing and waiting and wondering whether this was the time that it would actually happen. Thinking that there was no way that we could go through a third brutal adoption failure for a third time in a row, especially after so much extended and intensive contact with someone we truly came to care about so very much.
But it can and does happen and here we are. We aren't the only ones to have gone through this. But sometimes it feels like it. I saw this on Pinterest yesterday though, and at first I wanted to throw my phone but then it made me feel a little bit better.
I'll blog more about all of this soon.
Only a few people knew about this possibility and we kept things pretty quiet on our end so even they maybe only know 1/10th of what we've been going through for the past 5 1/2, almost 6 full months of practically daily emails with a potential birthmom (or potential scammer - I will get to that in another post because it is one of the most confusing and upsetting things about this entire ordeal). Since Feb. 15th when we first heard from her, to be exact.
Today a little boy will be born in Florida. Up until just a few days ago, we thought he would be ours.
We were made promises - promises which we knew when they were made could be easily broken or changed or forgotten about and which we have heard before from others but knew we had no right to expect or enforce or count on. But still, you hear things in emails like "I cannot stress to you enough how decided I am about having this adoption occur. There is absolutely no chance I will keep this baby to parent. " and texts telling you that she "couldn't have made it through this without you" and the hope starts bubbling up and there is nothing you can do to tamp it down, hard as you try.
I am so glad this summer is almost over. My mantra for months now has been to just make it through the end of July. This baby's due date was the 27th so he is now officially more than a week overdue, which is why she is being induced today. But for weeks I have checked the flights between the Bay Area and Orlando almost every day to the point where I have them memorized. It has been agony, this not knowing and waiting and wondering whether this was the time that it would actually happen. Thinking that there was no way that we could go through a third brutal adoption failure for a third time in a row, especially after so much extended and intensive contact with someone we truly came to care about so very much.
But it can and does happen and here we are. We aren't the only ones to have gone through this. But sometimes it feels like it. I saw this on Pinterest yesterday though, and at first I wanted to throw my phone but then it made me feel a little bit better.
I'll blog more about all of this soon.
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