Today is the day I thought I was going to be a mom again.
Only a few people knew about this possibility and we kept things pretty quiet on our end so even they maybe only know 1/10th of what we've been going through for the past 5 1/2, almost 6 full months of practically daily emails with a potential birthmom (or potential scammer - I will get to that in another post because it is one of the most confusing and upsetting things about this entire ordeal). Since Feb. 15th when we first heard from her, to be exact.
Today a little boy will be born in Florida. Up until just a few days ago, we thought he would be ours.
We were made promises - promises which we knew when they were made could be easily broken or changed or forgotten about and which we have heard before from others but knew we had no right to expect or enforce or count on. But still, you hear things in emails like "I cannot stress to you enough how decided I am about having this adoption occur. There is absolutely no chance I will keep this baby to parent. " and texts telling you that she "couldn't have made it through this without you" and the hope starts bubbling up and there is nothing you can do to tamp it down, hard as you try.
I am so glad this summer is almost over. My mantra for months now has been to just make it through the end of July. This baby's due date was the 27th so he is now officially more than a week overdue, which is why she is being induced today. But for weeks I have checked the flights between the Bay Area and Orlando almost every day to the point where I have them memorized. It has been agony, this not knowing and waiting and wondering whether this was the time that it would actually happen. Thinking that there was no way that we could go through a third brutal adoption failure for a third time in a row, especially after so much extended and intensive contact with someone we truly came to care about so very much.
But it can and does happen and here we are. We aren't the only ones to have gone through this. But sometimes it feels like it. I saw this on Pinterest yesterday though, and at first I wanted to throw my phone but then it made me feel a little bit better.
I'll blog more about all of this soon.