Thursday, August 8, 2013

It all falls apart (post #6 of 6)

This is part of a series of posts about our most recent failed adoption.  The first post is here and the second post is here, the third post is here, the fourth post is here, and the fifth post (I know, this is getting to be overkill - sorry, this post is the last one) is here, in case you want to start from the beginning.

M and B wanted to start making plans.  What were we going to name him?  They would make sure the hospital knew that we were to be allowed full access to the baby in the hospital and that they wanted us in the delivery room! They couldn't wait for us to get there! 

We settled on a first name.  It absolutely kills me to admit this but we were going to use the name Truman.  The same name we wanted to give to the baby from adoption failure #1.  We worried about it being taboo but decided to have faith and go for it.  Truman was the very first name we ever decided on for any of our children and we have held it close to our hearts for almost our entire marriage.  (On a sidenote, we have decided to scrap all names we have ever mentioned liking, especially the name Truman, and start over completely new should any future adoption possibilities present themselves.  Clearly, we jinxed ourselves and tempted fate by telling B and M we wanted to name this baby Truman.)  We asked them for suggestions for a middle name because we really wanted their input.  B wrote back with a few different possibilities, one of which was perfect because it was a family name on her side and both of our sides.  But interestingly, B also mentioned M's middle name as a possibility. 

I had tried finding out more about M independently during periods when we were specifically worried about B being a scammer but going off only his name and B having a private Facebook profile, had been unsuccessful.  But with a first AND middle name in hand, I was able to locate a match on Facebook with an open profile who wad mutual friends with B, graduated at the right time from the right school, and lo and behold, matched each of the pictures B had sent us of M, including a picture of M with his parents.  I had found him. 

And it started us to worry all over again.  Because M was posting things from North Carolina when he was supposedly in Florida with B.  And M as not going to the medical school B had told us he was going to - at least, not according to numerous posts of his on FB page.  It was SUPER worrying but B was oblivious to the fact that we had this information and I didn't really want to raise it at such a late juncture when we were going to be heading to Florida in just about a week for the baby's birth.  If anything has helped us get through all this heartache, it was this nagging doubt about B's validity through practically the entire pregnancy, so in hindsight, I guess I'm grateful we kept having this little flags come up because they made us tap the brakes emotionally and kept us from getting any more caught up in the excitement of being second-time parents than we already were.

We tried to make sure the adoption paperwork was sorted out on B's end because she had told us she had been working with a lawyer.  Then she started saying that her lawyer had stopped returning her calls and she had found out he hadn't done anything on her case so she was going to go to a different lawyer.  We tried numerous times to get her to just use the lawyer our agency had recommended - someone who practices only adoption law and who we knew would get everything taken care of - but B and M felt like they wanted to find somebody on their own.  So they met with another lawyer for an "introductory meeting".  And met with her again the next day.  And were told she (the lawyer) would think about taking on their paperwork over the weekend. 

At this point we were less than a week from due date and when the lawyer (predictably since we knew she had to be just some random attorney who didn't specialize in adoptions) told B on Monday afternoon (the Monday after her Saturday due date - so two days overdue) that she wouldn't be taking her on as a client, B finally agreed to contact the lawyer we had recommended all along.  Her doctor kept saying that there were zero signs of the baby coming anytime soon and that B wouldn't be induced until Monday, August 5th, so we tried not to stress out as best we could.  We breathed a sigh of relief, knowing that once B met with the lawyer, these lingering concerns about being scammed would be cleared up and all the paperwork would be taken care of and there would be nothing left to worry about but the birth.  We came this close to booking our tickets for Saturday but decided to just wait for confirmation from the lawyer that this was all real.

Except the next contact we had from B was an email saying that after a wonderful date with M of going to lunch and going to a movie, they had had a big fight because M told her out of the blue that he wanted to parent.

The last few days leading up to the birth were confusing.  B did finally email the attorney and explained the situation with M and how he had changed his mind and was saying he wouldn't sign relinquishment forms.  This act has ultimately made us feel like B probably was pregnant all along.  We understand her scamming us, but would she really reach out to a lawyer about it if the whole thing was a huge lie?  There WAS a solution for M's change of heart and the adoption still could have taken place - Paul talked with the lawyer about it and was told that if B would just answer one of the emails or phone calls the lawyer had sent back to her they could figure it all out.  But B's adoption plan seemingly just ... fizzled.  She gave up.  M's parents said that they would help him parent.  B said M wouldn't answer he texts or calls and told her to just text him when she was in labor. 

B's final communications were super confusing.  She was induced late Monday (the 5th) afternoon.  She emailed us on Wednesday but didn't say anything about the birth or the baby or who has him or what their plan is, other than that she is heartbroken because she doesn't know if she will ever see the baby again and has only been told to expect pictures.  So it doesn't sound like she is going to parent and we can only assume this means that M's parents are going to raise the baby and that they won't let her see him or know him.  But even that doesn't make sense to us because B would still have had to relinquish her parental rights for that to take place and I can't see how that would have occurred by Wednesday.  By way of explanation for the outcome, B professed her love for M and said she decided she couldn't force him to prove his ability to parent this baby (he would have had 30 days under Florida law to show that he could provide for the child in order to retain his parental rights had B decided to go through with the adoption) and that M was adamant that he didn't want to place the baby for adoption and his parents supported him in that.

Honestly, I have a lot of emotions about everything that we have gone through with B since February.  But the biggest one I am feeling right now is relief that it is finally over.  No, it didn't end the way we had hoped and that is an awful feeling.  But the rollercoaster of emotions and drama and vagaries of whether B was actually pregnant and if she was whether she was going to choose us and if she did whether she was going to follow through with a placement are all finally over with and we can finally move on. 

Thanks for letting me share what happened.  I'm sorry if it came off overly dramatic or pathetic or anything.  I know it was incredibly self-indulgent to hash all this out for everybody to see and some people may feel like I shouldn't have shared all of it - that it is a matter best kept private - but I felt like I have friends and family who should know about this and I don't want to tell it 20 separate times.  And I hope that it will benefit other adoptive couples who go through similar things to know they are not alone.  I know it helps me to read their stories.

Amazingly, we don't have hard feelings towards B.  Not exactly, at least.  Mostly we just feel very sad for her.  At least we have each other and Clara and small though we are, we are incredibly, eternally grateful for our little family.  And for our extended families and friends who have been incredibly loving and supportive during this ordeal. 

The End.

I promise I will try to get some posts up soon that are more cheery than these past few have been. 


  1. Wow, Amy. It's hard to not be really mad at these people. I admire you so much for the grace you show in these posts.

  2. Reading all of these posts makes me feel a little sick to my stomach. I know that none of us will really ever understand exactly how hard this has been for you both.

    I'm sorry the name Truman is out now too. I don't blame you, since it's now associated with two such painful experiences. But I remember one night at Christmas-time a few years ago when you'd be approved to adopt but Clara wasn't born yet talking about baby names in our kitchen. You mentioned Truman, and it seemed so perfect and so meaningful to you. I hate that other people's actions have changed that for you so completely.

    We love you guys.

  3. Oh my goodness. This whole experience is about ten times more painful than I could have ever imagined, let alone endured. Can't believe all this was going on as recently as this week--I remember you being relieved it was wrapping up back before the 4th of July. I had no idea she said she picked you and then went back. Ugh... well, I really liked your marathon analogy and I guess that makes you and Paul both Ironmen. I wish you didn't have to be so strong but I don't know anyone else who could have made it through an experience like this like you guys have.
    Here's to a better outcome and hopefully and much better process getting there. Thanks for sharing everything. Wish I could've done anything to help, but I'll do what I can to help from here. I'm learning more about FB pages and I saw you started posting questions from your page. I'll always try to "like" and comment because I know that boosts the number of people who see the post and page.

  4. Oh. My. Goodness. We knew a lot of what you shared, but obviously not all of it. Our hearts are broken for you. But...we have complete faith that the right baby will come at the right time for you. I know that doesn't really change any of the horrible anxiety you went through. And we are so sad about the name. You are a sweet family and perfect parents for Clara. She will make an amazing big sister because of the incredible love you all share. We love you more than you can imagine.

  5. Amy, my heart just aches for you and your family. That really is a blessing, though, that you had those doubts throughout the experience. I don't want to imagine how much more painful it would have been if you had allowed yourself to be completely invested in this hope. And that is so sad that you won't be able to use the name "Truman" when you had such a connection to it. But I totally understand why you would start over. I would too.

    I've been spreading the word to all my distant friends and relatives that you all are an amazing and deserving family looking to adopt. My mom's sister and her brother are 4 years apart. And it's a miracle that they even got their little boy. I'm certain that your family will continue to grow.

    On a lighter note, you can start losing yourself in preparing Halloween costumes.

  6. Oh Amy, I am so sorry! I can't even imagine! The roller coaster surrounding a smooth, textbook adoption is intense. I've yet to experience a scammer or leading you on so much. Makes me scared to ever start the process again.

    I hope you find your next baby soon!

  7. I'm so glad you have closure now and the nightmare is over. I so wish the outcome was better. Huge hugs. I know the right baby is out there for you. You are so deserving of another successful adoption. I am so sorry with the way this worked out.

  8. Oh Amy, this is horrible! I only knew a fraction of what was going on but now reading through all of the details of the story has just left me with a pit in my stomach and an ache in my heart. I am torn apart thinking about what you guys have been through these past few months - especially after having endured similar disappointments twice before. You & Paul are so deserving and such wonderful parents, it is just hard for me to fathom why this process has to be so difficult. I'll just keep praying my heart out for you guys and hopefully that next little one will be on their way to your family without all of the drama and heartache along the way.

  9. Bless your hearts. Amy, you don't sound the LEAST bit pathetic or indulgent sharing your story, In fact, I rather admire you for doing so. It is brave to share your story so that others can support you and your family, and it truly helps other couples out there who have experienced similar situations. I'm so sorry you have had to endure such heartache.

  10. AGGGGG Whitney again... I feel silly for commenting on your blog as my husband TWICE now.

  11. Oh Amy, I'm so sorry. I can't imagine the exhaustion you must be experiencing after that whole thing. I hope your baby finds you soon!

  12. What a roller coaster! You guys are amazing to not have hard feelings, and maybe the relief you feel is a tender mercy. Still. Not fun. Hugs!

  13. Hi Amy,
    I love to read your little blog. Your faith-filled happy posts despite all you have gone through really helped me when we were first going through the adoption process.

    I am so sorry for your loss and heartache. Thanks for being willing to share your story on here. It really does help to read through other adoption stories, successful or not, when waiting for an adoption.

    I guess what I really want to say is that I sure hope your baby comes soon. I know Heavenly Father has a wonderful plan for your little family.

  14. I am SO grateful for the amazing experience we shared! I hope, hope, HOPE there is another birthmom out there that appreciates the love and family that can be built through tying her life with yours. Permanently.
    I love y'all!


Your turn...