Monday, June 8, 2009

Chuck Norris

I saw these years ago but was just reminded of them today and couldn't help myself:

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger.

Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

Chuck Norris is not afraid of the dark. The dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris lathers and rinses, but doesn't have to repeat.

Geico saved 15% by switching to Chuck Norris.

The boogieman gets up in the middle of the night and checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Waldo is hiding because of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King and got it.

In fine print at on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter

The US doesn't launch satellites. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks them into orbit.

For every answer on the SAT test, write in "Chuck Norris". You will automatically score an 8000.

There is no Santa Claus. Actually, on Christmas Eve, Chuck Norris circumnavigates the globe in his pickup truck dispensing gifts to good children and roundhouse kicks to bad ones. The children, upon receiving these kicks, die.

Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen San Diego.

Chuck Norris knows what's in the secret blend of 11 herbs and spices, after all he's 5 of them.

Chuck Norris knows Victoria's Secret.

Chuck Norris can breathe in and out at the same time, when he needs to breathe at all, which is never.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Chuck Norris can win Scrabble even when the only letters he has left are Q, X and Z.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.

In a fight between Batman and Superman, the winner would be Chuck Norris.


  1. Wow... someone has time on thier hands.

  2. Haha, no, I just googled Chuck Norris and there are tons of websites dedicated to him with literally hundreds of these.

  3. The best ever was when I was in Disneyland and the 7 year old in front of me starting quoting Chuck Norris jokes. She had no idea what they meant, she was just repeating what she had heard her older brother say.

  4. Paul- just posted the link for the mile high cake in the comments section.


Your turn...