Monday, August 5, 2013

Disappointment #3

Today is the day I thought I was going to be a mom again.

Only a few people knew about this possibility and we kept things pretty quiet on our end so even they maybe only know 1/10th of what we've been going through for the past 5 1/2, almost 6 full months of practically daily emails with a potential birthmom (or potential scammer - I will get to that in another post because it is one of the most confusing and upsetting things about this entire ordeal).  Since Feb. 15th when we first heard from her, to be exact.

Today a little boy will be born in Florida.  Up until just a few days ago, we thought he would be ours. 

We were made promises - promises which we knew when they were made could be easily broken or changed or forgotten about and which we have heard before from others but knew we had no right to expect or enforce or count on.  But still, you hear things in emails like "I cannot stress to you enough how decided I am about having this adoption occur. There is absolutely no chance I will keep this baby to parent. " and texts telling you that she "couldn't have made it through this without you" and the hope starts bubbling up and there is nothing you can do to tamp it down, hard as you try. 

I am so glad this summer is almost over.  My mantra for months now has been to just make it through the end of July.  This baby's due date was the 27th so he is now officially more than a week overdue, which is why she is being induced today.  But for weeks I have checked the flights between the Bay Area and Orlando almost every day to the point where I have them memorized.  It has been agony, this not knowing and waiting and wondering whether this was the time that it would actually happen.  Thinking that there was no way that we could go through a third brutal adoption failure for a third time in a row, especially after so much extended and intensive contact with someone we truly came to care about so very much.

But it can and does happen and here we are.  We aren't the only ones to have gone through this.  But sometimes it feels like it.  I saw this on Pinterest yesterday though, and at first I wanted to throw my phone but then it made me feel a little bit better.



I'll blog more about all of this soon.

21 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry Amy. I have wanted to ask, but haven't because I knew you would share details about everything on your own time. I know there is a baby out there for you. I pray for you everyday and today I cry for you. It is so unfair. I wish there was more I could say, I guess I'll just pray harder, that is all I can think of to do.

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  2. When I saw your adoption profile the other day my heart sank. I'm so very very very sorry. Lots of love and tears for you three. Love you guys.

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  3. you don't know me, but I am a fellow stay at home photography addicted baking loving LDS mom who just adores your blog! I love your hairdos and your pictures and your cute stories and your recipes and I LOOOOOOOVED the two second video project!!! I am so so so sorry that you have to endure yet another heartbreak. I can't remember if it helps or hurts to hear another story so Im sorry if it does, my aunt Cheryl had such terrible infertility problems, she lost baby after baby, I remember how we would all pray for her and yet another miscarriage would happen. She had three boys but she knew there were more children out there for her family, shed had a spiritual confirmation of it, but yet her body wasnt working, so after years and years of this and being on an adoption list for almost 6 years they were approved and were able to adopt a baby girl Sarah and another baby girl from China, Kate! I know there are sweet eternal Nashes out there for ya guys, I am SO SORRY that waiting for them is so painful! I will as always, continue to pray and pray for you guys! Hugs and more hugs from Hesperia, Ca!
    Melanie Segalla

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  4. I love you, Amy. I am praying for you.

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  5. Thinking of your cute family today and hoping for better days in the future.

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  6. We are heartbroken for you. We had such hopes that this one would work out. We have cried for you. We have fasted for you. We have prayed for you. We love you. We continue to pray that the right baby will come at the right time. No words can console you, but please know we share your sorrow, hurt and even anger. We are so grateful to be family. We love you.

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  7. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how you guys must be feeling right now. I'm sending lots of hugs, love, and prayers your way.

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  8. Can't imagine the heartache you feel. Just wanted to say we're thinking of you and definitely have hope for better news soon. What a great quote. Frustrating, but true. Thank you for sharing!

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  9. I am so sorry you have to go through this heartbreak yet again. It doesn't seem fair. We love you guys!

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  10. My heart aches for you. I am so sorry. You all will be in my prayers.

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  11. Oh my goodness! I came over to your blog from your comment about our failed adoption and you guys had almost the SAME situation! She picked us on Feb 10th (contacted Jan 31st) for a baby boy due July 8th. It's so hard and SO sad. Just try to survive for now and cling to your cute little family. It'll hurt less as time gives you more distance from the situation. I'm with you sister! You're not alone!

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  12. We pray for you guys every day! Today I will still hoping there would be good news...as I know you were too. What a horrible thing to endure again. Just know we love your very much and we are around the corner ANYTIME you need anything.

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  13. Oh Paul and Amy, so sorry to hear this. Thinking of you guys, and hoping Clara's sibling finds his or her way to you soon.

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  14. I don't know what to say other than I am so deeply sorry you have to go through this heartbreak. We pray for you and your sweet family often.

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  15. I'm so sorry for your loss (& yes it is a loss and you have a right to mourn it) - my heart is breaking for you. Squeeze your cute little family and know that we are all thinking of you and praying for you.

    And thank you for sharing that lovely quote!

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  16. When I started seeing adoption blasts on Facebook the other day my heart sank. I am so sad and sorry for your loss. I love that quote. I am praying for comfort for you and Paul and praying that your next little babe will find their way to you soon. Love you Amy!

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    1. Amy and Paul and Clara. We love you all very much and my heart breaks for you all. You are a beautiful family. Our prayers are with you.

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  17. I love your blog. SO Much. I'm heartbroken to hear this :( You are in my prayers. I so hope to see your sweet family grow.

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  18. So sad for you all, you come across as such fabulous parents and seeing your love for Clara gives me hope of being a mother myself one day. There is a baby out there for you, I'm so sure of it. Love and positive thoughts coming your way all the way from the other side of the world (London, England from a reader originally from Scotland, who has been following your story since before you welcomed your beautiful little Clara in to your lives) xxx

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