Twilight

You know I had to get in on this. If you haven't read the books, you probably won't get why this is so hilarious and why I was crying in the law school from laughter when I found this on MSN. To see the full thing, follow the link at the bottom.


BELLA: So did you do the chemistry homework?

EDWARD: Like, 100 years ago.

BELLA: No, seriously. Quit making jokes about our age difference. I have to do my homework before I go home and cook my dad his dinner.

EDWARD: You are a magnificent flower and the sweet cherry atop my life's sundae. Marry me and your life will be distilled bliss, for I do not eat food that requires cooking, and I am rich enough that your chemistry grade matters not a whit.

BELLA: Um, let's not talk about what you eat.

EDWARD: Your wish is my command, fragrant blossom.

BELLA: I don't understand how you can say that. I'm just a plain, awkward girl who needs to strap herself to the commode so she doesn't fall off. Accident-prone is my middle name.

EDWARD: I will sneak into your bathroom and offer my steady, marble-like arms as your supports. No harm shall come to you, my pet.

BELLA: OK, but you have to be really quiet about it and stuff, because my dad is, like, the police chief and even though he can't cook his own dinner, he will totally OWN your undead badonkadonk if he catches you.

EDWARD: (Laughs) Did you just see that? I sprinted to the end of these mossy rocks and back in less time than you took to say badonkadonk.

BELLA: Kiss me unchastely, you sexy beast.

EDWARD: Let's do your chemistry first, and then we shall go for a ride in my Volvo.

BELLA: See? I am ugly. My vampire boyfriend doesn't even want to neck.


EDWARD: Oh my Gosh! What happened to your ears! Did someone hurt you, my love?

BELLA: What? I can't hear you. I'm wearing my earbuds and rocking out. Have I told you today that you are gorgeous? Your torso looks like it's carved from marble. Who cares that your skin's so cold... more I have to wear a blanket when we snuggle? You're yummy!

EDWARD: OK, if you can't hear me, then I will whisper the words I've longed to utter for a century. I love you. Love, love, love, kissy, kissy.

BELLA: Um, Edward, I was just kidding. I can still hear you when I have my earbuds on.

EDWARD: I meant every word of it. You are the sweet love of my life. My nostrils flare to embrace your intoxicating scent.

BELLA: Do you have any Tic Tacs? I feel like I should, I don't know, eat a breath mint or something. We're going to kiss soon, right?

EDWARD: I fear my passions will overwhelm me. Let us just hold hands and take another ride in my swift, swift Volvo.

BELLA: Can't hear you. Earbuds.

See? Hilarious, I know. There's more at http://movies.msn.com/movies/galleryfeature/lost-twilight-script/?GT1=28127.