This morning I had an appointment with the DTD (aka the down-there-doctor - thank you TAMN for this acronym). I have been prolonging this visit for numerous reasons, but suffice it to say, I could prolong the check-up no longer and went about finding a new DTD. Sorry if I am already oversharing, but there is a serious story coming out of this.
Now, I'm not exactly sure what happened, but basically, the DTD was asking me all sorts of really personal questions, which was fine and totally expected. And we got to talking about our professions and our lives and I started talking to her about adoption (because what else am I going to talk about in an office that is plastered with posters displaying the female reproductive system and fetuses). And the DTD kind of got really quiet listening to me talk about how Paul and I are hoping to adopt a baby and then out of nowhere - seriously, nowhere - I realized that I had somehow started raging about abortion. Like, really raging - raised voice that was trembling just a little with a passionate fury that I didn't realize I possessed. I must have been bottling this up deep because I was suddenly very upset and telling her how it makes me so angry and how abortion is murder and on and on and on. And then I was talking Roe v. Wade and the legal repercussions of pro-choice decisions, etc. And the thing is, the entire time I was saying all these words, I KNEW that she was totally pro-choice. I don't know how to explain that knowledge but I could just tell. And it is not a very illogical guess in the super-liberal area that we live in.
In the middle of my outburst, I tried to moderate the rage and calm myself down, but it was really, really tough and I'm pretty sure that my attempts at self-soothing resulted in an epic fail. The DTD was very nice though and she didn't argue back with me - she just finished the examination and quietly left the room. And I have been thinking all day about what happened. I mean, don't get me wrong, I wasn't screaming at her or crying or anything, but I turned that examination table into a serious soapbox.
And I don't mean to be that crazy person screaming about how abortion is a terrible, terrible, irreversible mistake. But there I was in an office full of women who can do what I can't - get pregnant - and I just lost it. I seriously lost it and I took it all out on a very nice DTD who didn't realize that she would have to deal with an infertile lunatic at 8 in the morning.
What has been plaguing me the rest of the day though is the question of whether I should be ashamed of my behavior or proud of myself. Ashamed for the tirade and the possibly desparaging remarks against the DTD's abortion-performing peers. Or proud for finally sharing what I really felt - right or wrong - with someone whose perspective on the issue is completely different from my own and who could potentially influence others choosing between abortion and life.
I still don't know what to think of myself.